Well, today is the 60th anniversary of the bombing of Pearl Harbor.

...

Somehow I thought I'd have more to say about that. But I guess not! ;)

What's in store for your sex life? Be honest now. :)

theSpark.com's Sex Test

Ever been to Metaspy? It's a site my friends and I would visit when we were bored at work. =)

Um...showing porn to pandas??? what the hell is up with this world!

http://www.cnn.com/2001/WORLD/asiapcf/east/12/05/tiger.viagra/index.html

Ooh. I'm excited. I'm working on psychodaisy's garden version 5.0. I think it's looking really decent. Once that goes into effect though, I hate to say that I won't be using blogger anymore. sigh. Since it'll be it's own blog content system, it'll have it's own method of posting blogs with archives, etc. it's really fun for me to program. :) finally something fun to program lol.

wanna peek at the new version? psychodaisy's garden 5.0 enjoy. :) it's constantly metmorphing into it's final form, so don't expect everything to work. ;)

I can see this better than the art I am. :)

If I was a James Bond villain, I would be Francisco Scaramanga. I enjoy good food, monopolising the world's energy supplies, and sex before assassinating people. I am played by Christopher Lee in The Man with the Golden Gun. Who would you be? James Bond Villain Personality Test

I don't see it.

If I was a work of art, I would be Leonardo da Vinci's Mona Lisa. I am extremely popular and widely known. Although unassuming and unpretentious, my enigmatic smile has charmed millions. I am a mystery, able to be appreciated from afar, but ultimately unknowable and thus intriguing. Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

Ok this just cracks me up:

#!/usr/bin/girl | [ a girl, a browser, and a lot of spare time ]

And i love this in her "peer-pressured bio":

"Zannah aspires to be an anime character when she grows up."

How can you not like this girl.

I've submitted to the Mirror Project. More stuff to come!

http://www.mirrorproject.com/mirror?id=3039

Look at this. I love it. :)

Spark-Online

It's rather quite amazing how people can irritate you to no end. I'm just simply amazed.

Discovered a new (or a couple rather) sites today.

Jezebel... A site for sore eyes
The Mirror Project

Great sites. I love them. Basically they are sites that feature self portraits through mirrors. I love it. I can't get enough of it. Now it gives me ideas on my own self portrait project that I've been painstakingly thinking about. I've been trying to think of how I can make my self portrait capture everything (or almost everything) about me in one picture. Doing it with mirrors might be a way to do that. I've never gotten into mirror photos that much. I'll have to look into that.

It's been exactly a month since my last post. Imagine that.

Have you ever felt like you were one step behind someone else? As if you can't get ahead of them? Amazing isn't it? sigh

Been real busy lately. I've got too many sites I want to update, and so little time. Don't know what to do with my time. LOL I'm looking forward to a visit from my friend from california, she's flying out to IN, then driving a uhaul back to cali. She's moving her boyfriend out there. Can't wait to meet him. :) (no and not for approval or anything lol)

... Off Tangent

Why are women so fascinated about my tongue being pierced. Is it some quasi-sexual thing? I mean is it really that fascinating? Just makes me wonder.

I'm listening to the Labyrinth soundtrack right now. That was a pretty good movie. Speaking of which, my friends went out to see Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back. I should have gone to see it. Just didn't feel like dealing with people today. I think I'm just all people-d out. lol. Maybe I have social anxiety disorder. Who knows. I know I've got some kind of personality disorder. I'm like bipolar or something lol. Well it looks like I'm done for the night. I'm actually tired for once. Thank goodness.

I think i'm feeling kinda sad today. Not sure why though.

... songs in my queue:

Jewel - You were meant for me
Kid Rock - Only God knows why
Prince - I would die 4 U / Baby I'm a Star
U2 - One (Live in Modena Italy)
The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
Van Morrison - Dreams to Remember

Well I re-opened my radio station yesterday. One of these days I'll get around to actually broadcasting most of it live. Right now, I've got it on 80's music. If you've got winamp (or something else that will play a shoutcast stations), you can tune in at: http://tesla.validus.com:8000. Gotta love it!

Definitely a Metallica day. I love Metallica. Yeah, I'm thinking it's definitely a Metallica day. :)

Songs in my queue:

Metallica - The Unforgiven II
Metallica - One
Metallica - The Unforgiven
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Have you ever just had those days when you were just sad? But it was a good kind of sad, not the bad kind of sad? You know what I mean. I'm feeling that today. It's almost the kind of rainy day melancholic feel. You're sad, but not really sad. Does that make sense? And why am I sad? Hmm not sure. I guess I just miss being in love. I really do. I know it's really weird, but hey, I'm already a freak. What can you do.

So I'm listening to some kinda sad songs I suppose. What's in my queue right now?

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
Incubus - Drive
Madonna - Frozen

Those are just a few. There are others. :)

So much for returning to it later that day. But I'll go ahead and elaborate now.

What is love? Is love the feeling of nausea, where you're on the verge of throwing up (or just plain throwing up) when the girl (or guy) of your dream walks by? (eg. South Park. :) Or is it that pain you feel deep inside your chest, where you have to catch your breath because that one person just looked in your general direction? Wondering if she (or he) is looking at you and not someone around you? Or perhaps it's that longing you feel inside. How do you know if you're in love? Or do you just know? Is it an emotion that you can define with words? Just one definition of love is : "A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance." Really. Somehow I cannot imagine that that's all it is. "intense desire and attraction". Somehow I find that not quite enough.

So what do I think love is? And how do I know I'm in it? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the only person who can answer that is yourself. I mean seriously. Just as pain is subjective, so is love. Sure it is. It's different for everyone. I have a friend that falls in love with a different woman everyday. We laugh it off as obsession or perhaps even lust. But to him? It's love. Sure you could say that love is an everlasting feeling that truly lasts forever. But who are we kidding. It's not always like that. There are those out there who are lucky, very lucky to have fallen in love and actually kept that feeling for that one person all this time. Some of us (or most of us, I think) are not so fortunate. I mean seriously. So you see, the feeling of "love" is subjective. And I almost have to believe that yes, it may be used rather loosely. But I don't tell a woman that I love her just to get her into bed. That would be morally wrong. I'm not a saint, believe me. I am not one who has never sinned. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." Yeah, I thought so. But I do have honesty, integrity, and most of all respect for other people. I'm not one to love too easily. Which was not always the case. I suppose that after having my heart broken many times, I have learned not to love so easily. Some would say that I am rather too honest or too trusting. Perhaps. But that does not mean that it is wrong to fall in love. Sure, there may be circumstances where you should not have fallen in love with someone. Perhaps it is your neighbor's wife (or husband) or perhaps it is a woman who is already spoken for. But I still do not think that falling in love with someone is wrong. It would be wrong to act upon the urges. But I digress.

But what about "True Love"? Does it exist? As a dreamer, I believe that it exists. I truly honestly believe that every person in this world has someone else who is their exact match, and were meant to be together. Do we always find them? Of course not. I would imagine that you would have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding "True Love". But what is it you ask. What is "True Love"? In my mind, I think that true love is utter devotion, unconditional surrender to your mate. A feeling that without them you are not quite whole. That you are not "complete". (which in itself is ridiculous, no one is truly incomplete) It's unwavering loyalty, longing, desire, Passion. I capitalize passion because I truly believe that every relationship should not be without passion. Passion is the fruit of love; the basis of love. Without passion, there is no desire. Without desire, there is no love. Without love...we are but empty husks in the cycle of life. Passion feeds the fire that is awakened in all of us. Love is Passion. Passion is Love.

So my original point? What is love? Love is you, me, and everything in between. Love is everything, Love is the universe, Love just is. Don't define it, don't put labels on it, just experience it and enjoy it. Have fun. Live your life like you've never fallen in love before. Love is.

I was told yesterday that the word love is used too loosely. What is love? ... Hmm. I think I could go on for hours on this subject. I'll have to return to this one later today.

Well well well. I'll be damned. I was just looking at my keyword searches for my site... and I see "does existence precede essence". It's good to know that I'm not the only freak out there who's searching for that answer. I really hope they found out what they needed to know. :)

So what have I been doing lately? Aside from looking for a friend, nothing much. I feel real horrible about not updating the site. One of these days I'm sure that I will have something new and fresh. But as it stands, nothing new is going on in my life. How exciting.

My friend Naomi flew in last night for a business trip. I picked her up and we went to go see the St. Louis Arch. She said, "ok, that's cool, I saw it. Now let's go eat." She was pretty hungry. :) Had to take her to Kreigers, they have the best seasoned fries ever! She says she's trying to lose weight. Sorry Naomi. :) I told her to be sure that her co workers take her to Ted Drewes and to get some toasted raviolis. You cannot say your trip to St. Louis is complete without at least doing that. :) I hope she has fun in this quaint little city.

On a different note, I have to continue my vampire story. *sigh*. I guess I've just been too busy lately with so many sites. I've got so much on my mind right now, it's driving me nuts! I hate real life. I want my life to be a movie. (I know, I've said it before, but maybe if I keep saying it, it'll come true.)

I played the powerball for the first time last weekend. So much for beginner's luck. I bought 5 powerballs, and I only got 1 number out of the 5. Just 1!! *sigh*

Ok. I changed my mind. I don't want to hear REM right now. I'm instead listening to Enigma - MCMXC AD. How quaint.

Oh wait. I just stuck in Enigma - The Child in Us in between the songs of MCMXC AD. I love this song. It relaxes my soul.

I hate where my life is right now. I want to live in a movie. I want to know that my life is not real.

I'm listening to REM - Green. One of the first concerts I remember going to. I think. Regardless, I love this album. It's all about me.

It's simply way too nice to be indoors. Must go out. :)

...

I walked the streets, searching. What I was searching for, I don't know. Perhaps tonight I will feed upon poor soul who happened to walk by. Regardless, I kept walking. I didn't want to feed upon the helpless humans, unaware of their surroundings, unaware of us. Kindred are all around them, at the hospital, in the clubs, even in the police stations.

Through the night I wandered around. I thought about my past, and the family I left behind. I had no one left, no family, no friends. I was alone in this world. Alone with the knowledge that the monsters which humans called Vampires do exist. That they do not call themselves Vampires, but instead call each other Kindred, a word used possibly to reassure them that all of us are family. Too bad I don't feel that way. I have broken all the Kindred laws. It is a wonder that a blood hunt has not been called upon me. Perhaps the Prince of the city does not deem it worth their time. I am so lost.

When my sire passed on, I had no direction, nowhere to go. We spent most times away from other Kindred. Of course, everywhere we went, we would pay respect to the Prince of the city and let him know that we were just passing through. We had no enemies. That is, until we reached Tokyo. That's when the nightmare began...

Again I was looking through the keywords people use to search for stuff and found my page. "Why people lie". I hope you found what you were looking for.

...

The night closed in as the sun sank down into the depths of the horizon. I awoke then, watching the line of light disappear, replaced by the moonlit sky. I knew that tonight I would feel the hunger. The beast inside my soul yearned to break out. For nearly a month I have gone without feeding, without the sustenance of life. I can feel the sinewy hands of the beast reaching out, wanting to devour the blood of any passerby who should be unfortunate enough to cross my path. I do not wish to kill, I will take only what is needed. But can I fight the beast any longer? Only time can tell.

My name is Elijah. I was born in the year 1781. And I am Kindred. I was embraced shortly after my 25th year, while out working in the fields. My sire came upon me unsuspectedly and tore into my flesh and drained my life's blood. As I was dying, he cut his wrist open and fed me his blood, and I have been cursed to drink it ever since. For over 200 years I have roamed the earth, travelling from Shanghai to London. I have seen all that could be seen, and have witnessed many wonders. But no miracle will ever give me back my mortality. And I rue it...

Just looking at what people were searching for when they found my page. "Northern Exposure cigarettes". At first, didn't think anything of it, but then thought, "what the hell does cigarettes have to do with Northern Exposure?" Can anyone enlighten me on this? Is this a brand of cigarettes? Just thought that kinda intriguing.

Off Tangent...
I hate liars, cheats, drug-addicts, and users. I hate people who use others for their own benefit. I hate people who steal only to get money for drugs. I wish I could help them, but I cannot help someone who does not a) want to be helped, or b) think they have a problem. It's a really sad sad world isn't it? It's amazing how many people would go entirely out of their way just to hurt someone. I just don't get it. And I thought I was evil. Of course, I do have a devious mind. *shrug*

Somehow in this crazy world, life is really just like a movie. Of course, one would also say that movies are based upon real life, which could be true, but nah. :)

Most people think that things always happen to other people. You know, things like unsolved mysteries. Somehow the reality of those situations never really hit you until it does happen to you. I mean total unsolved mysteries. Sure, there's probably an explanation for all of it. But somehow you just never get to know what it is do you? And many times, you never find out. That's the sad part. Sure, you'll go on with your life, you'll get married, have kids, etc etc. But you never found out what really happened. It's sad, I suppose. You want to know the whole story, the whole scoop. But you never find out.

But you know, then there are those instances when you find out what did happen, and wish you had never heard anything at all. You find out things that you never wanted or needed to know. Things thats eat deep into your soul and crush it.

Sad things happen to many people. You just never think that it's going to be you.

Watched Singles yesterday. Love that movie. I saw it at Best Buy on DVD for real cheap, had to get it. So many scenes I forgot about. The blue shirt, the dating video ("Debbie Country" LOL!!), and many more. :) God I love that movie. Had to make the pic of the moment the Robert Doisneau picture of Kiss by the Hotel de Ville. Anyone who's been over to my place has seen the poster I have of it I'm sure. I LOVE that movie. lol

It's a Madonna day. Definitely Madonna. Definitely.

Happy days!

Off Tangent...
What makes sense in this world? Is there anything that makes sense? Why must people lie? Do lies comfort them? Are they easier to to believe than the truth? Why can't people just be honest with each other. Lay the cards down on the table and say, "here's what i've got, take it or leave it." Why must people think that there are no nice people in the world? Why do people have a hard time trusting? Not everyone is bad. Not everyone has a hidden agenda. Not everyone wants everything. Sometimes just being close is good. Sometimes just knowing that that one person will always be there is good. Knowing that even though it's been 10 years, you can still go back and it would be just like yesterday. I don't exact revenge. I don't ask for retribution. I don't have malice. All I have is what I give, take it or leave it, it's up to you. I don't have a hidden agenda. There are no hidden meanings in my words. I don't lie. What purpose would lying have? It would most likely be found out later that I was. Then what? Make up another lie? Where does it end? Sometimes you have to accept someone for just what they are. There are no games, no tricks, no angles. Just me. That's all. Choose to believe me, or don't. I don't control anyone's life. I never have, never will. People must think I am the most naive idiot in the world. That's ok. I know what I know, and that's fine with me. I don't choose the way things happen. They just do. I have to have faith. I have to have belief. I just wish that people would have faith in me. Faith that I could be there to help them through the hard times when they need me. Faith that I will always have an open door for them when they need a place to stay. Faith that I will always give them food to eat. Faith that I will give them money when they need it the most. But I will never contribute to the lies that they would say. I would never encourage a life of illusion, or deceit. Sometimes I think that there are very few of us who are honest left. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't even gamble. Yet I'm the bad one. I'm the one to blame when there's something wrong. I'm the one who has been in error. And because of friendship, because of love, I will accept that. But don't ever think that I am naive enough to believe that it's true. No. I only believe because of friendship. Because of love. I believe, because I choose us.

Never give up! Never Surrender!

Sometimes, some people just don't want to be found. At least that's what I think. But then, sometimes, people just end up missing. And you never find them again until years later. And wish you had found them long before anything ever happened. Hard times. Definitely some hard times.

People really test me, I know it. Ugh... This sucks!

I'd just like to quote a song for right now:

"You took me in, and you drove me out, you had me hypnotized.
Lost and found and turned around by the fire in your eyes.
I've seen your face a thousand times everyday we've been apart.
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah.
Cuz mama... mama I'm coming home..."

Why are there so many love songs? Is everyone so happy? It must be nice to be in love with someone and spend all that time with them. Wish I could love like that again. I think I'm just tired of being alone. Lonely? Depressed? Perhaps. But I'm just tired. I mean really. Tired. It really sucks when I've done something or accomplished something or even saw something cool and I've got no one to turn to and say, "hey, look at that!" It's tedious. I so hate games. I've never played games. I've always laid all my cards out on the table, and pretty much said, "here's what I've got." There's no cards up the sleeve, trick aces, or whatever. All I want is to be happy. That's all. Why in the world is that so tough? I mean, lies, lies, lies. Women say that men lie all the time. Unfortunately, not all women are all too honest. I'm not saying that women are outright liars or that they're lying. Maybe they don't even know it. Maybe something just slipped their mind and they forgot. But after it happens for the millionth time, it gets really old. And I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, say I caught the lie. I would turn the other way and believe what they say because they say no, they didn't lie. Naive? Perhaps. Love is blind. I choose to close my eyes because I care so much for them. Perhaps I just don't want to lose them. Maybe their taking advantage of me. Who knows. It's not like I don't know they're taking advantage of me. I allow it to happen. I care too much for them to be in misery whether it be for any reason. Am I too trusting? Perhaps. What is a relationship without trust? Of course, it does have to be both ways, right? I think at this point in my life, I'm so used to having women take advantage of me that I simply look the other way. Perhaps it's self pity. Perhaps it's desperation. Who knows. All I know is, I'm been so unselfish for so long, I'm tired of it. It's like the song by the Smiths. Please, please, please let me get what I want. It's always about pleasing the other party. Always about doing stuff for her. Because I want to help her to be happy. I'm just tired of that now. I want to be happy. People can change, yes. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to start my own life, and not someone elses. I'm tired of living for someone else. I'm tired of being there for someone when they're never there for me. Sometimes I need someone to turn to and hold me. I need love too. I'm high maintenance I'm sure. But I'm also a very simple man. I want one thing and one thing only. Just someone to love me as I love them. That's pretty much it. I want honesty. I want walks in the park. I've had many women tell me that I'm such a great guy, and there's no woman who wouldn't take me. I have yet to find that woman. I have yet to find a woman who looks beyond the superficial, who looks for the insides. Of course, you need to have a physical attraction. There is no doubt about that. But I've met many women, and very very few have actually thought of me as attractive. Well, I guess that's good for them. I know who I am, I have no doubts of where I'm going. I'm just tired of the games, that's all. I'm simply looking for a good time. Someone I can go to the movies with and enjoy it. Someone who can go out to dinner with me and just talk about anything, or nothing at all. Someone who can just sit down and watch tv with me and just watch tv. Someone to spend time with. Someone to just talk to. Someone to just not talk to. Someone with whom I can spend hours with, say nothing at all, yet speak volumes. It's really amazing isn't it? I mean I guess that's a lot to ask from a person. Man, I'm so demanding aren't I?

Why bother anymore? Man, I'm tired.

Just a thought.. wouldn't it just be cool if you could go to the Body Shop and just get a new body? "Yes I'd like to have the Arnold Swarzeneggar body today, thanks."

Met Rachel, Vince's friend today. She was pretty damn cool. We all went to go see Planet of the Apes. Great movie. A bit disconcerting, and like Dana was saying, I was a bit freaked out about it, but it was still pretty good. Later, we went to Shogun's for dinner. Great food there. It's a Japanese restaraunt, teppankyaki, where they cook right in front of you and give you a show. Great food! :)

Ate some ice cream today as well. Shouldn't have, but glad I did. It was really good. Banana with Butterfingers. :) mmm good.

It was a pretty damn fun day I'd say. Still love the car.

And it just warms my heart to know that Dylan still likes me. That's really really cool. *beams* Oh, and he thinks my car is cool too. But then again, at 8 years old, I thought everything was cool about most adults too. :)

Off Tangent:
So far. So far away. Yet...so close. I can almost feel it. Touch it even. Why must things be so difficult? Why must their be pain involved with pleasure? Who wrote the rule book on life? Where are the rules of life? Why are there rules? Why must we be bound within limits? Why not let our imagination roam and wander? Throughout history those who had new ideas, new concepts were met with skepticism, even persecution. Why should it be thus? Why would anyone want to suppress the cure for cancer? Overpopulation? Perhaps. Life is too full of surprises. But that's what makes life great. There are ups and downs, but alas, we must have both. If there is not one, we cannot appreciate the other. Does karma exist? If so, when will it end? Is there such a thing as coincidence? Is it fate perhaps? Destiny? Do you know who your soul mate is? Have you ever felt so secure, so safe with someone? Do you have that someone that makes you happy inside when you're with them? Do you ever feel that when you're with them, there is nothing that can't be solved, that can't be fixed? Are you fortunate to have someone that will always be there for you? To help you, to guide you, to lend a hand, have a shoulder to cry on? Do you have a best friend? Do you have someone who knows all your secrets, all your worries, your troubles, your fears, your regrets? Do you have any regrets? What was the happiest day you remember? What was the saddest day you remember? What was your most embarrassing moment? Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever met the one? When you do, never let go. Just remember that. Never let go. Because that person, even though you have not talked to them in days, months, years, will always be there for you, ready to welcome you with open arms. So never let go. Love is real. Everything else is just a fantasy.

"Across the gateway of heart, I wrote:
"No Thoroughfare."
Love came laughing by and said,
"I enter everywhere.""
- Unknown

Off Tangent...
I'm tired. Just tired. Tired of all the hustle and bustle, of all the running around. I'm just ready to sit down, relax and enjoy the time I have. No need to go out and make millions of dollars, or be successful. I'm just tired of all that. I just want to be happy. Amazing how such a simple thing can be so complicated to achieve. Isn't it?

You ever have those days where it just seems like you feel it couldn't get any better? But when you sit down and think about it, you're not as happy as you thought? I guess I'm just ready to share the happiness I want to have with someone else. I'm just tired is all. Tired of all the games we have to play. Tired of having to worry about tomorrow when I should be living now. Carpe Diem, right? Seize the Day? Capture the moment? Live in the now? Just do it. Amazing, isn't it? How you can sum up life in just a few words. I mean we go throughout our lives, living each day, hoping that tomorrow will be better, only to find out, it doesn't always get better. Or worse. It just stays where it is. It's the same thing as yesterday.

I say live each day as if it were your last. Do what you want to do today, and not wait unitl tomorrow. Carpe Diem! Don't live your life regretting what could have been or could be. Live your life now. Right now, you're ok. The future is not set. Believe that right now, at this moment, you'll do what is right. You'll live the way you want to live. Right now, Life is good.

So am I happy you ask? *shrug* I don't know. But I do know that I don't know. And knowing is half the battle. Don't live your life thinking of what tomorrow may bring. Just live. Just take things in small doses. You know that right now you have to do it. So Just do it. Don't sit there and wait for it to happen. Make it happen. If it should, it will. If it shouldn't, it won't.

So again, I have to ask, am I happy? To be honest with you, no. I'm not. There feels in my soul to be an empty hole, a crevasse which needs to be filled. My soul weeps and my life drains along with it. I have accepted all my misfortunes, all my mistakes, all my wise decisions. These are all mine. I made my own mistakes, and I will not let it bring me down. And I'm tired.

Just got done watching The Family Man. Great movie. Although I love just about any Nicholas Cage movie, this one was great! Just loved how he was put into the situation and how he handled it. Classic Nicholas Cage. :) It was one of those It's a wonderful life movies, and even had the bell. I don't think it did too well in the box office though. Shame because it was a great movie. Just makes me wonder if I could take a "glimpse" of what my life would have been like if I had done something different. Rather curious.

Finally!!! I got my car. :) Chevy Cavalier Z24 Coupe fully loaded, with all the works. And the most important things? It's got AC (thank God), and it's an automatic! I am soooo tired of using the clutch. I'm so glad that I do not have to push down on that thing everytime I have to start the car, slow down, start up, etc etc etc. Having a manual is just a pain in the ass in traffic. :) Also, it's got power steering. I know that may not be a big deal to most of you folks out there, but believe me after driving a manual steering vehicle, you learn to appreciate it. :) Trust me on this. Let's not forget the power windows, keyless entry, CD player with cassette player (although I have YET to use that. :) and a radio. The speakers are great in it. The rear speakers are subwoofers, so that kicks in the bass really well, which I do like. The engine is a 2.4 liter 4 banger at 115 hp. It's a nice little car. :) Not quite the Monte Carlo SS that I really wanted, but hey, who's got $30K to spend right? hehe.

Regardless, I'm really liking my car. I think mainly it's because I've never owned a brand new car before. Meaning, I'm the ONLY person who has owned it. :) I've always had used cars, which have done me a great service I think. (I really miss my Plymouth Valiant. It had that really nice engine in it. 318 V-8. But I wrecked that one. Or blew it up. I can't remember, but I'm sure my dad does. He's a car GENIUS. hehe) I'd like to make some modifications to the car, work on this and that. Just want to be able to do everything on my own for the car. Make my dad proud since he's the greatest mechanic I've ever known (and probably will ever know too!). And plus, it'll be fun and enjoyable. (at least I think so) Of course, I might have been watching too many NASCAR races, Gone in 60 Seconds too many times (GREAT movie), and loving The Fast and Furious way too much. :) No, no NOS for me. I don't think I can handle that. I'm not looking to do any major engine rework. Probably none in the first year for that matter. I want the car to just look good. :) So I can pick up all the "hot chicks" as it was so pointed out to me. No thanks. Any woman who loves me for my car is not my type. :)

Other than that, not much else is going on right now. I'm working hard at work, we've got a lot of projects going on that need some serious attention. I'm hoping to wrap up a lot of that so I can consider taking a good vacation sometime in the future. Take my car out for a road trip. :)

Gotta get back into working on my music as well. I've totally been neglecting that part. :)

Off Tangent:
I'm in such a good mood today. Not just because of my car. I think it's because of many things put together. I think I'm doing alright now. Of course, being the ultimate pessimist that I am, I'm wondering how long it will last. Since I've obviously got bad karma, I'm wondering when it's going to get bad again. :) But no worries. Right now, at this moment, I'm good. I'm content with life. Life is good. How could it get any better than this?

Off tangent...
Just got done watching one of my favourite movies, Sleepless in Seattle. There are times when I feel like I'm "Sleepless in St. Louis". :) Of course, I'm just hit with insomnia once in a while. (obviously if I'm writing this at this time of the night.) As I was watching the movie, I thought to myself if that could possibly be true. I mean really. Could it happen? The moment you meet someone, if you just knew, just knew it was right? Like Tom Hanks had mentioned, "it was like coming home. But no home that I knew of." (Ok, I'm paraphrasing, so sue me. :)

Could it be entirely possible that there is that one person out there that has the other half of my heart, and I'm just waiting to find her? Or trying to find her? I met a woman once, and when I saw her, I believe the first thing that popped into my head was, "...". Yes, I had no thoughts. I just knew her. LIke somehow we were connected in ways I'd never know. (Or probably don't want to know.) I have to admit, yes I eventually did fall in love with her, and no, we are no longer together. But we are still friends. (At least, I like to think so. :)

Regardless! As I know I've probably stated many times in past journal entries, I think I just miss being in love. I mean why wouldn't I right? Why wouldn't I want to be loved? It's always a good feeling to know that somebody loves you. Perhaps there is someone out there for me. I know there is. It's just a matter of connection. How will we meet? What will our first encounter be like? What will we do? Will it feel like "magick"? Someone once asked me how I knew I was in love. I told them that if you had to ask, you probably aren't. It's just something you know. It's something you feel. And if two people are truly in love, and I mean TRULY, they would know. If you have to ask yourself if you're in love, then are you?

There are people who say that love comes eventually. That in time, you will learn to love someone. No way. I don't believe that at all. I'm not saying that I believe in love at first sight, I'm just saying I don't think you should be together if you don't love each other. And that comes to my greatest fear in the world. That there are times when love just isn't enough. I've "been there, done that" and I am more the wiser for it. So does that make me bitter? Does that make me want to love someone less? Hell no. I only believe in love. Love is a strange and powerful force of nature. But I simply cannot believe in the middle line. I cannot believe that you would be with someone or marry someone "just because". Or, "It was inevitable". Or perhaps even "Well, everybody's here, can't stop it now." If two people should be together, then they should. If they ever had any doubts, perhaps they shouldn't be. I guess it's just late, I'm babbling.

Talk about nothing going on right now. lol.

Wow. Been a while. Been busy. Ugh.

Bugger!

I'm listening to Drive by Incubus. This song is still my favourite song of the moment. I'm not exactly sure why. I'm sure someday I'll figure it out. :)

I'm playing way too much Diablo 2 Expansion. I am such a nerd.

My mom's birthday is next week. Man, I can't believe it's her birthday already. Time is flying way too fast. Right now she's in Japan, visiting friends and having a good time. I told her to make sure she buys me some "really cool japanese stuff". She knows what kind of stuff I like, so I can trust her. :)

Took a few "psychic" tests online today. Nothing major. In my opinion, it didn't really tell me if I'm psychic or not. That's my opinion at least. How can you test for something like that? Ridiculous I say.

Anyways...

I was going to write some things down But I've forgotten them already since I have the "too many IM's" disease right now. LOL losing concentration by having too many conversations going on at once. Oh well, what can you do.

Off tangent:
Why do you do it? Why do you play with my mind thus? I have no idea if you're coming or going. What are your intentions? What do you want with me? Am I to fill in a space you have lost in the past? What is my role in your life? Why do you have to complicate mine so much and make me second guess myself? I hat the games. I hate the masquerade. Why can't we all just be honest and tell what we feel all the time? Why can't we all just get along? What hidden agendas do you have? Why does it seem you wish to tell me something, but you never do? Why do you turn the tables and it seems to be my fault for it all? Where did I go wrong? What can I say to make it all right? What can I do to make it ok? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do you still talk to me? Where am I? Where am I going? Where have I been?

Once, what seems like only yesterday to me, I told you a story. A story I heard on Xena: The Warrior Princess. You laughed, I remember because I paraphrased it and couldn't remember all the fine details. It was a story that Gabrielle told to Iolaus when he thought he was dying. This time, I wanted to get it right. So here it is as told by Gabrielle to Iolaus:

"Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul..."

There. Now it's set. Oh, and sometimes, just sometimes, we are lucky enough to find that other half. Soulmates. "You complete me."

I'm not remembering any of my dreams lately. I know I'm dreaming, I just can't remember them. They're like blurs in my memory. Why is it that we don't remember our dreams? Is it to protect ourselves? Is it a self-defense mechanism? Since I've been a small boy, I've always had dreams that come true. I mean literally, down to the last detail of remembering what people were wearing, what people would say in it. Perhaps that's why I don't remember most dreams. I thought for sure I'd remember some of my dreams from last night.

Yesterday a couple of co-workers and I were talking about ghosts. St. Louis is a mecca of haunted houses and stories about supernatural occurances. As a matter of a fact, the movie Exorcist was based upon a true to life ordeal here in St. Louis. What is it about St. Louis that attracts such things? Makes me wonder how many vampires live in this city. If they exist. :) Maybe I just read too many books. Hehe.

Off topic:
I remember one time telling a friend that I would rather be blind than deaf. I'm not entirely sure what my life would be like without music. Music is my life! I could not live without it. I'm afraid I'm not as strong as Helen Keller. I don't think that feeling the music would be quite enough for me. Music brings back incredible imagery. Certain songs cause some incredible memories to be triggered. I mentioned Kristin Hallet yesterday, and one song that I associate with her is the song Sign your name by Terence Trent D'Arby. I remember that when we worked together at Six Flags Great Adventure, everytime she walked in the door, that song was playing. It was really weird. Of course, after a while (as she pointed out) I would simply wait until I knew she was coming in, and would play the song. :) It's ok. It's her song to me. This is why music is so important to me. There are just songs that frighten me and songs that comfort me. (A song that comes to mind is Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb - Great song)

What am I listening at this moment? Ozzy Osbourne Mama, I'm coming home. I think that perhaps I love this song so much because I can play it on the guitar. I'm sure that's the biggest reason for liking many songs actually. Although I do actually listen to the words of many many songs. Which sometimes is tough hehe. You have to understand what half these people are saying. ;p

Of course, there are days (most of the time) where I just need to listen to something really upbeat. Like Prodigy. I love Prodigy. As I'm typing this journal, now I'm listening to Smack my bitch up. At first, I didn't really like the song too much, and it was just an "okay" song. Then I watch Charlie's Angels (the movie). And when this song played, I was loving it. Of course, it helped that the movie was synching with the song. And of course, they edited the song a little bit for the movie. That's cool though. Hell if I was a director, I'd do that too.

Speaking of movies. Holy cow. There are way too many movies to see. I don't even know what movie to see first! A.I., Kiss of the Dragon, Cats and Dogs, just to name a few. I'm sure I'll end up going to see Kiss of the Dragon first. :) Jet Li rocks!

Gots to get ready for work.

Wow. I just read my last entry. I really need to sleep. I need to dream.

Remember that song that Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne did together? Close My Eyes Forever? Man that was such a great song. Don't ask me why I really like it. I'm not sure really. I guess it's because the song is about heartache and pain. I mean, really it is. Listen to it. It's pretty apparent.

I guess really it's about two people who used to be together and broke up. And want to still be together, but cannot because of the pain and sorrow that comes along with it. And finally they come to the realization that they were meant for each other. How tragic is that? That after all this time, you realize that those were the best times of your life, but were also the worst times of your life? I suppose you cannot feel pleasure if there is no pain.

I remember saying that to one of my friends who was having some problems with a relationship. That there could never be only good times. You have to live through the bad times as well. If not, then you have no comparison. It is inevitable that two people will conflict. It's a human trait. I suppose there are relationships that have no disagreements, no fights, no debates. It's unimaginable if you ask me. Perhaps it's because all my life, it has seemed to be a conflict; as if I were running a marathon, and have yet to complete it because of all the roadblocks in this world. Or maybe it's because it's really late, and I'm just grasping for anything to put in here. Probably the latter.

"You're like a dagger, you stick me in the heart, and taste the blood from the blade.
And when we sleep would you shelter me in your warm and darkened grave.
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain same?"

Really though. If I were to die tomorrow, would everything, all the memories I have, all the experiences I've had remain the same? Who would hold those memories of me? Can't be. Everything changes. Even people change. It just goes exactly with my point about the song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. We all change. Everything changes, the world changes, lives change, we change. We can't not change. It's impossible. Sometimes I just wish some people would change faster. It would make my life easier.

America's Sweethearts comes out 7/20. I simply can't wait to see this movie. I'm just not really sure who would want to go see it with me. LOL I suppose I can find a date or something. Who knows. It looks like a date movie. LOL It's got John Cusack in it, and anyone who knows me would know that that is enough for me to go. Great guy, that Cusack guy. I still thik that was the coolest thing that he did in Say Anything. Too bad I never did anything like that. :)

On another note, I just remembered that the name Kristin Hallet popped into my thoughts today. I suppose that would be cool if she found me on the web. I remember looking for her a while back and couldn't find her. Of course, I'm sure she's married now, and would have changed her name. Makes things hard to find sometimes. :) So I guess I'll have to rely on any folks who might know her to get a hold of me. That would cool to find out what she's been up to.

Talk about the most uneventful day of my life. Nothing happened today. I think I managed to go through work and not really accomplish anything at all today. Well, no I'm sorry I did accomplish a few things at work. But I can't really count what I did at work today as accomplishment. It doesn't really gain me all that much in my life. It's not like what I did is going to get me a raise or anything. ;)

I really really need to work on the ad for Campari Red. I'm really jazzed about it. I know I won't win or anything, but it's a chance to do something good you know? Almost like a "real" job. Because the job I have now is so fake it's not even funny. But it does pay the bills. (barely :)

I've got the case of "too many IM's" and I'm losing my concentration. LOL I will end this now.

Funny thing...a name I haven't thought about it in a long (and I mean LONG) time just popped into my head today. Kristin Hallet. Wow. Wonder what she's up to right now. Probably somewhere on the North Shore... That would be cool. :)

Police Officer: So are you guys shooting off the big fireworks?
Vince: No, all we've got are bottle rockets, fountains and sky rockets.

All this happened right after we got done cleaning up and throwing away all those mortars. :) Man, nothing quite like shooting off fireworks. The "noteworthy" firework tonight was the one that one of my friends Tim shot off. Boy was that fun. Not only did it just about go up in flames, the tube that it was in decided to fall over - towards me. After drinking a few Pina Coladas, of course, I was on top of it. I dodged out of the way just about quick enough as everyone yelled, "Oh Shit!!!" Of course, when I say I dodged, I dodged in my time. Not the mortars time. hehe. That thing barely missed me and commenced to explode right behind me. Did I not have those Pina Coladas in me, I would surely have been hurting. Hehe. Everyone was pretty much saying things like "Oh my God, it almost killed you!" or "Oh man, that was close!" Now that's fireworks. :) Thanks Tim, for almost catching me on fire. :D

But it was definitely fun. I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I would. Unfortunately, I neglected to bring my video camera which would definitely have been great. It's okay, next year I'll be prepared. :) Of course, next year, they plan on having even larger and better fireworks. hehe.

All in all, aside from the fact that I just about sponatenously combusted, it was a kick ass day. :)

Man I am such a nerd. I think I've collectively spent in the past 3 days, about 10 hours playing the Diablo 2 Expansion Pack. :)

Last night, my ISDN line went down. Which was good in a way. 1) It got me offline and preventing me from playing any games. :) 2) I didn't have to worry about work for a while. hehe. 3) Made me watch the Dogma: Special Edition DVD I just bought. Which was great. I just wish people would understand it's a joke. Although I did notice the Kevin Smith said he was Catholic. I thought about that, and thought that it could be true, but you never know. There was a part in the deleted scenes where Silent Bob shut up Jay real fast. He took Jay's bag of weed and threw it out into the forest. Jay said, "You dick." I was rolling. Yeah, you know that's a real good way to shut someone up. Or get your ass kicked. hehe. Regardless, I thought that was pretty funny. Look for it in their new (and last supposedly) film, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.

I actually cleaned up my apartment today, although it would not readily be noticeable in my office webcam. I'm thinking about rearranging my office anyways. That's gonna be a headache. :) But after reading a bit of Feng Shui (pronounced Feng Shway) for the office, I think I need to turn my desk around. It's not a good thing to have your back to the door it said. I agree. That's just common sense. :)

Feeling in good spirits today, no melancholy. I think I'm just glad I'm off. I just wish people would do the same and take time off as well. There's absolutely no reason for anyone to be "working" on the computer. They should be spending it with family or something. :) Of course, I just shot myself in the foot since I'm sort of "working", but my family is thousands of miles away in both directions. I don't think I'll be spending any time with them anytime soon.

Mental note: I really need to move my Audrey Hepburn Sabrina poster. When I rearrange my office, I will do that.

The Amish Cinnamon Bread Project begins.

Actually, this is day 2. I have squeezed the baggy several times. I'm hoping that it doesn't ferment too much. I like this: "Let the air out of the bag as it expands. It is normal for the batter to thicken, bubble and ferment." Somehow it doesn't sound quite right that it should "bubble". Still not so sure about the bubbling thing. ;p

I think I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. But I'm still in a good mood. Is that a contradiction? Not sure.

I got a recipe for some bread, Amish Cinnamon Bread. One of my friends gave me the starter for it. I'm supposed to over a course of 10 days, squeeze the bag several times and basically just let it ferment on the countertop. It sounds rather interesting enough. At the end of 10 days, I'm supposed to make 3 new bags from the starter mix I built up and give them to 3 people along with the instructions. Almost kind of like a chain letter no? I thought that rather interesting. Of course, there really is no catch or reward except for the bread itself. I understand it's supposed to be really good. We shall see at the end of 10 days. :)

I'm going out to my friend's tomorrow for a barbeque. Should be a lot of fun, all of us getting together and shooting fireworks and having dinner. Somehow though I'm not as excited as I wanted to be. Perhaps I *am* feeling a bit melancholy. Who knows. I'm sure that once I get there, it will be a blast. I just hate the fact that I need someone to give me a ride to my friends house. I suppose that is what really nags at me. Don't want to be a burden or a pain to anyone. I just hate that. I'll live. That's all that matters. :) Happy days. :)

I'm still wishing that my life was a movie. I just want to get to the end of it already. :)

Off tangent...
Please don't. Don't play games with me. Don't tell me one thing and do another. It's really not fair. It's really not nice. Please don't go. Please don't leave me wondering what happened, with questions unanswered and words unsaid. Please don't go. Why must we play these games? Why can it not be so simple? If you left now I would never know your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns. Please don't go. Don't leave me behind only to realize that I could have done something to help. That I could have said a few words to make you feel better. That I could have made a difference to you. Please don't go. Don't tell me everything's ok, when I know you too well. Don't tell me you're tired, and that's all. Don't tell me everything will be ok when you don't let anyone help you. Please don't go. If you leave now, I will never forgive myself for letting you leave. I could never live down the fact that maybe I could have been there for you. That I could have made a difference. So please. Don't go.

Off tangent...
You say you don't want to be an "afterthought". Neither do I. I wonder sometimes why I'm even around. Someone to talk to perhaps? Someone to borrow money from and never pay back? Or perhaps just a little bit of sanity in your life. Perhaps you feel you need to retaliate at me. Perhaps you feel that I need to feel the pain you must feel. You're so wrong. I feel pain each day, each moment that I talk to you. You build this wall around you and you never let anyone in. I would like to think that perhaps I tore down a small part of that wall so I could at least see inside. Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't. Who really knows. I'm just tired really. I'm tired of the games we play. I'm tired of the stupid little things that are done perhaps to "test" each other. I'm just tired. And please don't ever think that you're an afterthought. You never were, and you always knew that.

People never see the inside. All most people see are the outside. Something which without the insides, the soul, would only be a shell. An empty corpse with no mind of it's own. Perhaps if people took the time to get to know what's inside someone, they might realize that people are not so different after all. Of course, this kind of thing has been said a million times by other people. I suppose I'm really in a weird mood. I'm feeling good, but at the same time I feel a bit...melancholy. I guess that's the word. I don't think I'm depressed, which is what most people would think. I'm not really depressed or lonely. I'm just content, but not content. I guess what I'm really waiting for is the last 30 minutes of the movie. Where everything turns out ok, and the guy gets the girl, and lives happily ever after. Too bad my life isn't a movie. That would just rock. :)

Speaking of movies, I bought the Dogma Collector's Edition today. Great movie. I also started watching Kindred:The Embraced again. Also picked up Queen of the Damned and started reading that again the other day. What is this obsession I have with vampires and vampirism? I'm not altogether sure. Although I would think that it would be incredibly great to become a vampire, I'm not so sure about that "immortality" thing. I mean look what it did to the Highlander. :) "Who wants to live forever" right? Live on, only to watch your loved one pass away. How much more sad can it get? In a way, Kindred could be the same. Of course, you could "embrace" a human and you could potentially live together forever. But who would want to bring someone over to a life you hate? (provided you do hate it of course) I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.

So here I go again.

Still in a good mood. :) Can't believe it. I guess I should go to sleep or something. hehe. I feel like I'm going to dream tonight...

Well, looks like I've got the beginnings of my first "album". I've got 2 songs down, Slide into madness and Velocity. I think so far they work pretty well together. The Slide into madness is much like an "intro" song for the album, and is definitely a favourite of mine. :) Velocity is a techno song. Love it. :) Not sure what I'm going to put next. Possibly have a segue into another type of song. who knows. I'll work it in there. :)

I'm in a good mood today. Just some people make me mad you know? But that's all cool. :) I have absolutely no plans for today. I think I might just end up cleaning the apartment. God knows it needs it. Of course, I have no idea what else I'm going to do today. I think I'm bored already. hehe.

Ok, I hate it when people call and when you answer, they hang up. What's up with that. If it's a wrong number then AT LEAST say, "oops, wrong number." That's what I do. Ugh. People piss me off sometimes.

Been talking to one of my friends about vampires and the movies. We've determined that there are different kinds of genre of vampire movies. Just as in the Worlds of Darkness there are different clans of vampires, there are also different types of movies (and shows). I think hands down (as does my friend) that Interview with a Vampire is perhaps the best vampire movie. But again, this is because we read the books and loved them. Anne Rice vampires are the "high society" vampires. The vampires who believed that they could live among the humans. Along the lines of the "Masquerade". If you blend in with them, how could they suspect. Man. I miss Kindred: The Embraced so much I might have to watch that. LOL :)

Wonder what happened to that show Forever Knight. Bad enough they cancelled Kindred: The Embraced but they just about took every vampire series off the air except Buffy and Angel. (which are both decent shows, I just haven't followed them lately). I really think it's about time they decided to get a vampire series back. I truly wish they'd bring back Kindred. Now that was excellent. Just about right with the actual Masquerade game. Maybe James Cameron should produce it. Wonder if he has the time!!! :)

*sigh* I'm working on 4.0 of the site. Actually I'm just about kinda tired of designing this site. Perhaps I'll just leave it as is. Don't know. Actually I'd like to change the poetry section. I'm all kinds of ready to make some new poetry. :) I'm just a bit tired of having stuff that pertain to Dana up there. LOL Some of the best poetry I've written granted.

Ahhhh...nothing feels as good a good old shower. :)

Well, went to get the Diablo 2 expansion. Or rather tried to. :) But they didn't have it. Oh well! So instead I got Gone in 60 seconds on DVD. I'm sure I'll like the movie, everyone said it was pretty damn good. Plus it's got Angelina Jolie in it. :) Gotta love it. Still in a great mood!!! I'm loving this! I have no idea why I am, but I'm loving it. Gotta clean house today. whew, hate doing that. :)

Tired. But amazingly enough still feeling good. :)

Hmm weird. My mood didn't change at all today. I've been in a great mood all day all night. Can't believe it. :) Something must be wrong. Hehehe. Actually was able to get a lot done at work even. Quite amazing if you ask me. :)

Hmm. I'm drawing a blank on what to write. Guess I've got nothing else to say.

I am SOOOO in a good mood today. Probably change when I get to work. hehe

Damn, just got back from "The Fast and the Furious". GREAT movie. I thought it was awesome. Loved the racing, loved the cars. Man, I can't get enough of that! I'm pretty speechless about it. :) Wow, I don't have much else to say. LOL

Ever seen that movie "Cruel Intentions"? If not, then stop reading. :) Remember when Sebastian didn't know what to do with himself? He found himself falling in love with this girl, and he never even meant to fall in love. It's quite amazing the things that happen. I thought that movie was so sad. I mean really. I don't want to talk about it very much just in case there are people who actually read these things and haven't seen the movie. Anyways, to my point. The song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. I don't think a more perfect song could have been picked for this movie! I mean, that's what it's all about right? It's almost as if the song was written for the movie, which I'm pretty sure isn't true. It's all in the words...

'Cause it's a bittersweet symphony, this life
Try to make ends meet
You're a slave to money then you die
I'll take you down the only road I've ever been down
You know the one that takes you to the places
where all the things meet yeah...

No change, I can't change
I can't change, I can't change
But I'm here in my mold
I am here in my mold
But I'm a million different people
from one day to the next
I can't change my mold
No, no, no, no, no...

Think about it. Can we change? Don't we all change throughout our lives? Come on, tell me no one's ever changed their musical taste only because their significant other liked that music. It happens all the time. When you get into a relationship, you're entire life changes! Now, not only are you involved only with yourself, but there's this other person who has become an integral, or perhaps a small part of your life. Even if they are a small part of your life, you will change a little. But the lyrics are true in a way. Sometimes it almost seems like you're traversing your life and it never does change. You keep going from job to job or location to location. You alway strive to do better to progress in your life. I mean isn't that what life is about? Progress? God, I hope so, because then all these years I've been doing it wrong.

Whoa. I just messaged by too many people and have now lost my train of thought. I hope that all made sense.

I'm listening to Jewel - You were meant for me. Probably shouldn't listen to this song since it reminds me of my ex-gf. But hey, what can I do, I love this song, it's so me.

quote: "You probably got it all figured out, Corey. If you start out depressed everything's kind of a pleasant surprise." - Say Anything

Working on Acid again. I finally finished Winter Storm. I think it worked out rather well. Most people will say it's not a "winter storm" but I think the title works. It's just what popped up in my head. Not sure why. I think I might work on an ambient song tonight. We'll see.

Been working on some music tonight. I'm loving Acid. It's a great piece of software. I'd recommend it for anyone who wants to make some great music. they make it so easy to do it's amazing. Finally made a song I called "Winter Storm" temporarily. Don't ask me why, it just popped into my head. If anyone is out there and wants to hear it, let me know. I'm still working on some finishing touches and probably come up with some words. That would be cool eh? :)

Random thoughts
Thinking about version 4.0 of this site. I'm not sure if I want to take the approach of the pop up window or not. Although the idea that I can set the window size is great, I just don't know if I want to limit it. Hmm. who knows. I'm thinking that I definitely want flash. What I might end up doing is making the site entirely flash driven. Now that would truly be a MAJOR change. Especially the coding. Hmmm. Not sure if I want to do that. I've done enough custom coding in PHP for my site. :) But then again, I'm never one to pass up a challenge. :)

Flash...hmm. That might be interesting.

Well, better get ready to go to work.

I am so easily distracted. Originally I came here to make an entry in my journal, then I went to vote for blogger on the webby awards, then I went to a couple of other sites on their list. Meanwhile, half an hour later, I'm making a journal entry, and I have no idea what I was going to write. Must work on that. :)

Hmm. Ok, so today I've done just about nothing. Having no vehicle really sucks. I'm feeling like I've got cabin fever here.

Anyways, scanned a bunch of images today, or rather did last night and finally put them up on the site. I'm looking at my photo gallery page, and I'm seriously thinking that I need to come up with a script to put them on multiple pages. Maybe I shouldn't have made so many scans. hehe. Actually the digital art gallery is horribly lacking. I guess I'll have to find some old art, or better yet, make some new ones. :) I've been really slacking. I want to get back into Bryce, but 1) I have to install it since my reinstall, and 2) I just don't know what to do with it. (excuses excuses)

Maybe the world is just sucking my energy. Nah. Probably should start thinking like an existentialist and do what I want. In which case I suppose that everything I write in here is truly only for my own benefit, since I am the only one who would read it. Is that right?

So does existence preced essence? Or does essence precede existence? I'm still not sure how to answer that one. i.e. is the chair there because you need to sit? or do you need to sit because the chair is there? I have no idea. I'll just go on the assumption that the chair exists because you will eventually need to sit down someday. So I guess today I'm rooting for essence precedes existence. I mean you would make the chair because you need to sit down correct? How could you create a chair and then say, "Hmm. What do I do with it? Oh! I'll sit in it." Rather clear to me. If anyone can tell me otherwise, I'd surely love to know.

For that matter, how can you prove that another person existed? Now that's a challenge. I mean really. Let's go with the assumption that the basis of existence is "I think, therefore I am." That has to be correct, because you know you think. So you must exist. (of course, I'm sure there's holes in that theory. ;p ) So. If that is true, then you must now prove that someone else is thinking. How in the world can you do that? This was a year long question for an automatic "A" in an honour english class my friend took while in High School. To this day, I know of only one person who actually almost got it. He created a quiz if you will, which I'm assuming would prove that someone was thinking. Baffling. I would just as well assume that everyone exists, and I'm the imagination. :) Well, it's much better to think that way at least. ;p

I must be getting a bit loopy. Look at all that crap I just wrote. So what else happened today? *shrug* nothing significant. I didn't win the lottery or anything. Didn't get married. Didn't go on a cruise. What a great day. :)

Things I want to do before I cross over:

1. Tour the world - bloody unlikely with my financial situation, but you never know.


2. Go skydiving - I *still* need to do this.


3. Take over the world - Hey, what can I say, I'm ambitious. Oh ok, not really, but I'll be sure to take some pointers from Brain. :)


4. Find True Love - someday perhaps. :)

Pretty big goals? Nah. Unrealistic? Maybe. :)

Ok so about 4am today, some guy is banging on people's doors, honking his horn. Um, what's up with that? I don't know about anyone else, but I never open the door unless I know who it is. Especially at this time of night. Maybe it's because I've lived in too many bad neighborhoods. Who knows. All I know is the bastard woke me up and I almost called the cops. Should have too. But apparently he was looking for one of my neighbors. Go figure. Let's go knock on everyone's door. No, I don't think so. If it happens again, I'll have to call the cops and make them do their job. That is just too ridiculous. Now I can't get back to sleep. That sucks.

Played a little bit of guitar with my friend Matt last night. I told my other friend Matt (I know waaaay too many Matts) that the three of us should get together and have a 3 man acoustical jam. Now that would be something. :) Anyways, taught a little bit of Wish you were here to Matt as well as some old 80's ballads. It didn't help that he didn't know any of the songs I listen to. He's into the current "Pop" music. Can't very well play those songs with guitar. :)

Also started working with Acid Music. Now that's a great piece of software. I composed a couple short blurbs, nothing major. My friend Vince did manage to get one song done, it was pretty good, industrial type music. I was liking it. Must learn more about this great program.

Went to the mall yesterday as well. I kinda forgot how it was on a friday night. Almost made me feel a bit old being there with what seemed like a million teenagers. Somehow I did manage to get through however. Picked up some more photos I had left at Wolf Camera. Picked up an HP Scanner while I was there too. Best Buy. Had a decent enough price. Matt almost picked up the Nikon N65 Camera kit they had, but I guess he felt refrained. Good thing too since his girlfriend Renee said they should wait till the end of the month. :) I myself could really use some new lenses. I'm thinking that the lens I currently have must be off, because some of the pictures I took just don't seem quite right. Unless there's something wrong with the camera itself? I hope not. My 8008S is a good camera, I'd hate to think I spent the money only to find out it's broken. At the very least, I still have my Nikon 2020, and that is definitely taking some really good pictures. I guess I'll have to run some tests.

I'm considering starting to develop my own Black and white. (which I should be doing already anyways) Whoever Wolf Camera outsources the Black and whites to do a horrible job. I'm currently shooting Plus-X 125, and I've never seen them so grainy. Not quite sure what's up with that, so I'll probably end up getting my own developing kit and start looking for an enlarger. I can make my spare bathroom into a darkroom, so that will be fine. I suppose I can probably ask my friend Dave if I can use his until I get a new one. He only lives about what seems a few blocks down the road. :) Plus, he and his wife (and their cutest baby girl Amelia) are good people. I like them.

Picked up my guitar again. Been a long time. I've gotta get reacquainted with it again. I'm sure it's missed me. :)

I want the kind of love that Jack and Rose had in Titanic.

Hmm. Chinese food sounds really good right now.

Holy crap, was I up late last night or what.

I am so in the mood for Say Anything right now.

Have you ever felt lost? I have. Almost as if I have no idea where I am, what I'm doing, and why I'm doing it. Lately I've been feeling that way. Maybe that's why I got my tongue pierced. It's as if that is the only constant in the universe right now. I know I've wanted to do it, so I did it. Lately I've been thinking that that's about all I've really accomplished. I mean yes, I've done a lot of things, but most of them are forgotten, or lost in an archive somewhere. My tongue will always remain the same. Unless of course I decide to take out the barbell. Even that thought has crossed through my mind. But then I think by taking it out, I am quitting. So every time I have had those thoughts, I think to myself that I am not a quitter, and will stick with it.

I got an email from a friend today. She sent me an email about Office Feng Shui. For those of you who do not know what Fen Shui (pronounced Feng Shwai) is, don't feel bad, I didn't either. Just keep on reading. Basically, Feng Shui is an art if you will, of the placement of objects in your life. Certain things fit into your life in a certain way. This got me thinking. If the placement of an object affects how certain types of energy or Chi affect you, I must be doing something wrong. ;) Seriously , however, Feng Shui definitely has it's merits. If you would like more information about Feng Shui, I don't have any on this site, but you can always search anywhere on the web for it. It's a rather popular subject.

I'm tired now. Going to bed. To sleep...perchance to dream...

Well, I've decided that I need to re-open my magazine again. orbitalrevolution will be back up soon! I'm thinking about putting it up so that submissions are automated. With an admin function like PHPNuke. Too bad Nuke isn't stable enough for me to use it.

Just got done playing a round of counter-strike (half life). It's good to know that even after a couple weeks I can still play decently. Scored 24-7, which I'm sure pissed off my buddy Smokesho. :) Happy days!

I'm so lazy today. I think I've accomplished nothing at all. I must now do something. I just don't know what.

I have begun The Sock Project. Let's see how many people buy me some socks. hehe.

Post Piercing Day 7

Woke up this morning, and my tongue was hurting. I think I must be doing some serious tongue exercises while I sleep! LOL But it's not swollen or anything. Good thing. Talking to my friend in Malaysia this morning too. She always puts me in a good mood. We've been chatting online for nearly 5 years!! That's a long ass time. ;) Finishing up a few touch ups on my site now. Glad I'm done with that. hehe.

Post Piercing Day 6

Well, my tongue is in great working order! ;) The swelling is gone down, the soreness is just about gone. The roof of my mouth hurts though from butting my tongue up against it. There's a dent there. hehe. Other than that, A-Ok!

I hate my life right now.

I got my pictures back. I must be the shittiest photographer in the world. Either that or my camera is fucked up. My digital comes out great. It just goes to show you should never buy cheap lenses. My shots with the 50mm came out great. But the 2nd rate brand lenses had some really funky shots. Totally not what I was wanting. Oh well. Can't do anything about that right? Buy new lenses I guess. Or stick with my Canon PowerShot. It rocks! ;)

Joseph is such an adorbable baby. I *almost* want a baby. : ) Well, since I've gotta grow older yet, I'll not worry about that. For now, I'll be "uncle Yoshi who has his tongue pierced." LOL Today, Shannon said to Joey, "You are never ever going to get anything like that. I will disown you." LOL good thing he didn't understand it. Of course, as Shannon was saying, you know that when Joey is a little older he'll keep asking me to stick out my tongue. (provided I still have it in.)

Listening to ZARD. She's a great singer. I love her voice. Actually I don't even know if she's still around in Japan right now. I don't see why not.

On a random note, I was pondering the idea of creating a FAQ...but my site isn't quite interesting enough I guess. Hehe. Oh well. I do know that the TOP question would be, "Why don't you clean your room?" Hehe.

Interesting conversation with Swan today. She told me I'm "high emotional maintenance". Although I have to agree, I don't think I'm just emotionally high maintenance. I'll take money any day.

Man, I've got too much to do on the sites. I've still gotta finish the gallery and poetry sections of this site, and I'm working on another photo album site. For a family. I'm *still* not quite sure how to lay it out right. Then there's still squaremovies.com. wow. Trying to learn Adobe Premeire too. Man I need to start drinking again. ;) Well, not really.

Going over to Jeff's to see the family. Man, everyone's growing up. I guess I better start thinking about that. It's not that I don't want to be married or anything, but right now I'm just not ready. Also helps to have someone to marry too. Maybe I should put an announcement for any single women to send in their marriage proposals. Nah. That would be dumb.

I heard from my friend Justin. Haven' t heard too much from him in the past year or so. He's moved to Kansas City since I last talked to him, stopped smoking (good thing anyways), got married, and got fatter (or so he says. I still can't see how his skinny ass could weigh more than 10 lbs. :) Since he's living so close now, we've definitely gotta hook up and go drink some beers or something. That would be cool. I would like to meet the wife as well, I'd love to know who wanted to marry his sorry ass. ;)

Talked to Michelle on sunday...finally. I gotta keep in better touch with her. I told her about my tongue getting pierced and she was shocked! But it was a good shock. I told her she should go too and that it didn't hurt, but she wasn't too conducive to that suggestion. *snicker* It's ok. We started talking about tattoos, and I'm definitely considering getting my name in japanese put on the back of my neck, just like she has hers. It just looks too cool. She thought I should as well. She's coming out to Evansville, IN for vacation to see her family, and she was thinking about coming on out. Thought that would be a great idea! Although I guess I'll have to clean up this place. hehe. Since everyone who looks at the webcam says the same thing: "Clean up your room!" :) I will. Soon.

Post Piercing - Day 4

Not much to say about it, except the swelling has gone way down. Right now, just a bit of inflammation near the hole itself. Expected I'm sure. ;) Although my tongue still does "itch". hehe.

Ever have those days where you're just feeling nostalgiac? Remember the times as a child you did this or did that? Like the one time my friend Al and I went to Summerland (a popular indoor swimming park with a big ass slide. hehe) with a whole bunch of girls. Man that was a great day. Or perhaps the day that my friend Mark and I went to New Hampshire as a short trip, and ended up camping in the White Mountain area for 4 days. Music makes me nostalgiac. Maybe I should stop listening to the old 80's music. Nah. I like to remember those times. Someday I'll take the time and write down as many experiences I can remember.

Hopefully some day I'll be able to look back at these journals and laugh at the funny moments and cry at the sad moments. Well, maybe not cry, but maybe tear up. ;)

Just random thoughts I guess. I tend to do that a lot. Now I *know* I was doing something before I decided to write something in here... If only I could remember what it was.

Post Piercing - Day 3

Tongue got a bit more swollen this morning, but it's gone down quite a bit. Now it just itches. LOL Kinda sucks. ;) But other than that I'm eating just fine.

Saw Dana today. She looks great! Makes me regret breaking up with her. LOL At least we're still friends, I like that. Kinda funny how you realize how much you missed someone when you see them again. Did that make sense? Well at least *I* know what it meant. ;p

I miss missing someone.

I miss being in love.

Post Piercing - Day 2

Well, it looks like my tongue is coming down in the swelling. I told Dana today I got it, she thought it was pretty cool. Everyone at work thought so too. Man, do women dig the pierced tongue thing? I'm thinking so. So I'm thinking that the next project will be my tattoo. I've already decided that I definitely want my name written in japanese on the back of my neck, just like Michelle did with her middle name, Eiko. It looked really cool, so I know mine should as well. At least.. I hope so.

Eating food - getting better. I ate a bagel at work, ate a bowl of corn when I got home and a piece of Hawaiian sweet bread I made in my bread machine. (Thank God for technology, eh? =) That's about it. I've been smoking about the same, so I've been washing my mouth out with diluted listerine every 30 minutes or so. That stuff is incredibly gross. Mental Note: I hate listerine.

Talking - can hardly tell. I was talking to Dana on the phone, she could not tell at all. She said that I didn't sound much different. Good thing, this practice stuff is paying off. (As if I'm really speaking out loud to myself. hehe.)

Pain - No pain, just soreness. My tongue is a bit sore, but the pain is virtually nil. That is cool.

Sleep - None. None since yesterday when I woke up at 7am. How sick is that. I need sleeping pills, or something. Who the hell knows.

I feel free!
One of my friends today ask me if I felt "liberated". (after telling him I got my tongue pierced) I thought that a rather interesting question. I didn't realize it before, but yes, I feel free now. How strange when you do something you know you shouldn't do, and you feel good about it. Wait. That didn't make sense. Well, I know what I mean. But yes, I feel free!

Can't believe so many people have already looked at my photo and "art" at deviant art and commented on it. There were only a few comments, but enough for this lowly poet/photographer to swell with pride. And here I thought all my stuff sucked...

I'm sore today. Eating food is hard. It's like I have to re-learn how to talk and eat. Wow.

On a different note, I did set up an account on Deviant Art. I uploaded a few images from my gallery up there. Mostly photographs. I think in the future I'll develop my own black and white film. Wolf Camera takes too long. =) It's ok, at least I get them put onto PhotoCD for free. I should have those by Thursday I hope. Then I'll have to be sure to rework my gallery and the rest of the site.

Damn, I did it. My friend Matt and I went out and got our tongues pierced. I was talking about it to my friend Karen last night, she said hers didn't hurt at all. Also the night before, a fellow alumni of my high school from Pemberton Township NJ added me to her contact list and sure enough she's got an 8 gauge barbell in her tongue! That's huge in case you didn't know. ;) She told me it didn't hurt either. So there you have it. Yesterday I told myself, if the opportunity presented itself, I would do it. And lo behold, today, my friend Matt wanted someone to go with him to get his tongue pierced. All I could say was, "hell yeah, let's go now!" Three hours after that conversation, we both had our tongues pierced. I called my sister and told her afterwards. She was totally unimpressed. I guess it didn't shock her that I would do that. Somehow I think I would be shocked. Regardless, it felt very good to do something that I've always wanted to do. I've been wanting to pierce my tongue since my friend Andrea did it a ways back in 96 I believe. She told me it hurt like hell. She must have had a totally inexperienced person do it because let me tell you, the guy who did mine did an excellent job. I wish I had gotten his picture before I left. Now I must go tell everyone that I've gotten my tongue pierced. How many people will think I'm stupid and how many will say, "cool!"? We'll see! ;)

I'm tired. Can I go home now?
Whew. Just got done grocery shopping. How tiring is that? In general, I don't mind going grocery shopping, but lately, I'm not liking it. Don't know why. It's ok, it'll all be worth it once I'm done making Chicken Adobo. Gots to love that!

Just listening to clickradio. What a great thing to have. I can hear the songs I like! And hear other songs that I might like. Just give it a thumbs up, and it plays more often. Man, gotta love technology. ;) A radio without a "real" DJ.

Got a call from my ex-girlfriend yesterday. I feel bad, I haven't called, I just haven't had the time, and by the time I get home, I'm sure she's gone from work (I've only got her work number. ;) It's good to hear from her. I love talking to her. Mental Note: call her tomorrow.

On a side note, haven't heard from ammy in a while. Or Katie for that matter. Man, I'm losing touch with great friends. OMG, I haven't talked to Michelle in like...weeks. Must...call....her....best...friend....LOL Wow now I feel bad.

Ok. Let's talk about templates here baby. I think I just spent about a half an hour trying this out. LOL Man, now I really need to get a basic layout going. *sigh*

Well. I've discovered blogger. Yet another thing I picked up from goobita (www.goobita.com). I'll have to thank her sometime when I get the chance. ;) Looks like this is what I'll be using to update my journal from now on. I'm totally impressed with it!