I'd just like to quote a song for right now:
"You took me in, and you drove me out, you had me hypnotized.
Lost and found and turned around by the fire in your eyes.
I've seen your face a thousand times everyday we've been apart.
I don't care about the sunshine, yeah.
Cuz mama... mama I'm coming home..."
7.31.2001
7.29.2001
Why are there so many love songs? Is everyone so happy? It must be nice to be in love with someone and spend all that time with them. Wish I could love like that again. I think I'm just tired of being alone. Lonely? Depressed? Perhaps. But I'm just tired. I mean really. Tired. It really sucks when I've done something or accomplished something or even saw something cool and I've got no one to turn to and say, "hey, look at that!" It's tedious. I so hate games. I've never played games. I've always laid all my cards out on the table, and pretty much said, "here's what I've got." There's no cards up the sleeve, trick aces, or whatever. All I want is to be happy. That's all. Why in the world is that so tough? I mean, lies, lies, lies. Women say that men lie all the time. Unfortunately, not all women are all too honest. I'm not saying that women are outright liars or that they're lying. Maybe they don't even know it. Maybe something just slipped their mind and they forgot. But after it happens for the millionth time, it gets really old. And I always give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean, say I caught the lie. I would turn the other way and believe what they say because they say no, they didn't lie. Naive? Perhaps. Love is blind. I choose to close my eyes because I care so much for them. Perhaps I just don't want to lose them. Maybe their taking advantage of me. Who knows. It's not like I don't know they're taking advantage of me. I allow it to happen. I care too much for them to be in misery whether it be for any reason. Am I too trusting? Perhaps. What is a relationship without trust? Of course, it does have to be both ways, right? I think at this point in my life, I'm so used to having women take advantage of me that I simply look the other way. Perhaps it's self pity. Perhaps it's desperation. Who knows. All I know is, I'm been so unselfish for so long, I'm tired of it. It's like the song by the Smiths. Please, please, please let me get what I want. It's always about pleasing the other party. Always about doing stuff for her. Because I want to help her to be happy. I'm just tired of that now. I want to be happy. People can change, yes. I'm ready for a change. I'm ready to start my own life, and not someone elses. I'm tired of living for someone else. I'm tired of being there for someone when they're never there for me. Sometimes I need someone to turn to and hold me. I need love too. I'm high maintenance I'm sure. But I'm also a very simple man. I want one thing and one thing only. Just someone to love me as I love them. That's pretty much it. I want honesty. I want walks in the park. I've had many women tell me that I'm such a great guy, and there's no woman who wouldn't take me. I have yet to find that woman. I have yet to find a woman who looks beyond the superficial, who looks for the insides. Of course, you need to have a physical attraction. There is no doubt about that. But I've met many women, and very very few have actually thought of me as attractive. Well, I guess that's good for them. I know who I am, I have no doubts of where I'm going. I'm just tired of the games, that's all. I'm simply looking for a good time. Someone I can go to the movies with and enjoy it. Someone who can go out to dinner with me and just talk about anything, or nothing at all. Someone who can just sit down and watch tv with me and just watch tv. Someone to spend time with. Someone to just talk to. Someone to just not talk to. Someone with whom I can spend hours with, say nothing at all, yet speak volumes. It's really amazing isn't it? I mean I guess that's a lot to ask from a person. Man, I'm so demanding aren't I?
Met Rachel, Vince's friend today. She was pretty damn cool. We all went to go see Planet of the Apes. Great movie. A bit disconcerting, and like Dana was saying, I was a bit freaked out about it, but it was still pretty good. Later, we went to Shogun's for dinner. Great food there. It's a Japanese restaraunt, teppankyaki, where they cook right in front of you and give you a show. Great food! :)
Ate some ice cream today as well. Shouldn't have, but glad I did. It was really good. Banana with Butterfingers. :) mmm good.
It was a pretty damn fun day I'd say. Still love the car.
And it just warms my heart to know that Dylan still likes me. That's really really cool. *beams* Oh, and he thinks my car is cool too. But then again, at 8 years old, I thought everything was cool about most adults too. :)
Off Tangent:
So far. So far away. Yet...so close. I can almost feel it. Touch it even. Why must things be so difficult? Why must their be pain involved with pleasure? Who wrote the rule book on life? Where are the rules of life? Why are there rules? Why must we be bound within limits? Why not let our imagination roam and wander? Throughout history those who had new ideas, new concepts were met with skepticism, even persecution. Why should it be thus? Why would anyone want to suppress the cure for cancer? Overpopulation? Perhaps. Life is too full of surprises. But that's what makes life great. There are ups and downs, but alas, we must have both. If there is not one, we cannot appreciate the other. Does karma exist? If so, when will it end? Is there such a thing as coincidence? Is it fate perhaps? Destiny? Do you know who your soul mate is? Have you ever felt so secure, so safe with someone? Do you have that someone that makes you happy inside when you're with them? Do you ever feel that when you're with them, there is nothing that can't be solved, that can't be fixed? Are you fortunate to have someone that will always be there for you? To help you, to guide you, to lend a hand, have a shoulder to cry on? Do you have a best friend? Do you have someone who knows all your secrets, all your worries, your troubles, your fears, your regrets? Do you have any regrets? What was the happiest day you remember? What was the saddest day you remember? What was your most embarrassing moment? Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever met the one? When you do, never let go. Just remember that. Never let go. Because that person, even though you have not talked to them in days, months, years, will always be there for you, ready to welcome you with open arms. So never let go. Love is real. Everything else is just a fantasy.
"Across the gateway of heart, I wrote:
"No Thoroughfare."
Love came laughing by and said,
"I enter everywhere.""
- Unknown
Ate some ice cream today as well. Shouldn't have, but glad I did. It was really good. Banana with Butterfingers. :) mmm good.
It was a pretty damn fun day I'd say. Still love the car.
And it just warms my heart to know that Dylan still likes me. That's really really cool. *beams* Oh, and he thinks my car is cool too. But then again, at 8 years old, I thought everything was cool about most adults too. :)
Off Tangent:
So far. So far away. Yet...so close. I can almost feel it. Touch it even. Why must things be so difficult? Why must their be pain involved with pleasure? Who wrote the rule book on life? Where are the rules of life? Why are there rules? Why must we be bound within limits? Why not let our imagination roam and wander? Throughout history those who had new ideas, new concepts were met with skepticism, even persecution. Why should it be thus? Why would anyone want to suppress the cure for cancer? Overpopulation? Perhaps. Life is too full of surprises. But that's what makes life great. There are ups and downs, but alas, we must have both. If there is not one, we cannot appreciate the other. Does karma exist? If so, when will it end? Is there such a thing as coincidence? Is it fate perhaps? Destiny? Do you know who your soul mate is? Have you ever felt so secure, so safe with someone? Do you have that someone that makes you happy inside when you're with them? Do you ever feel that when you're with them, there is nothing that can't be solved, that can't be fixed? Are you fortunate to have someone that will always be there for you? To help you, to guide you, to lend a hand, have a shoulder to cry on? Do you have a best friend? Do you have someone who knows all your secrets, all your worries, your troubles, your fears, your regrets? Do you have any regrets? What was the happiest day you remember? What was the saddest day you remember? What was your most embarrassing moment? Have you ever had your heart broken? Have you ever met the one? When you do, never let go. Just remember that. Never let go. Because that person, even though you have not talked to them in days, months, years, will always be there for you, ready to welcome you with open arms. So never let go. Love is real. Everything else is just a fantasy.
"Across the gateway of heart, I wrote:
"No Thoroughfare."
Love came laughing by and said,
"I enter everywhere.""
- Unknown
7.26.2001
Off Tangent...
I'm tired. Just tired. Tired of all the hustle and bustle, of all the running around. I'm just ready to sit down, relax and enjoy the time I have. No need to go out and make millions of dollars, or be successful. I'm just tired of all that. I just want to be happy. Amazing how such a simple thing can be so complicated to achieve. Isn't it?
You ever have those days where it just seems like you feel it couldn't get any better? But when you sit down and think about it, you're not as happy as you thought? I guess I'm just ready to share the happiness I want to have with someone else. I'm just tired is all. Tired of all the games we have to play. Tired of having to worry about tomorrow when I should be living now. Carpe Diem, right? Seize the Day? Capture the moment? Live in the now? Just do it. Amazing, isn't it? How you can sum up life in just a few words. I mean we go throughout our lives, living each day, hoping that tomorrow will be better, only to find out, it doesn't always get better. Or worse. It just stays where it is. It's the same thing as yesterday.
I say live each day as if it were your last. Do what you want to do today, and not wait unitl tomorrow. Carpe Diem! Don't live your life regretting what could have been or could be. Live your life now. Right now, you're ok. The future is not set. Believe that right now, at this moment, you'll do what is right. You'll live the way you want to live. Right now, Life is good.
So am I happy you ask? *shrug* I don't know. But I do know that I don't know. And knowing is half the battle. Don't live your life thinking of what tomorrow may bring. Just live. Just take things in small doses. You know that right now you have to do it. So Just do it. Don't sit there and wait for it to happen. Make it happen. If it should, it will. If it shouldn't, it won't.
So again, I have to ask, am I happy? To be honest with you, no. I'm not. There feels in my soul to be an empty hole, a crevasse which needs to be filled. My soul weeps and my life drains along with it. I have accepted all my misfortunes, all my mistakes, all my wise decisions. These are all mine. I made my own mistakes, and I will not let it bring me down. And I'm tired.
I'm tired. Just tired. Tired of all the hustle and bustle, of all the running around. I'm just ready to sit down, relax and enjoy the time I have. No need to go out and make millions of dollars, or be successful. I'm just tired of all that. I just want to be happy. Amazing how such a simple thing can be so complicated to achieve. Isn't it?
You ever have those days where it just seems like you feel it couldn't get any better? But when you sit down and think about it, you're not as happy as you thought? I guess I'm just ready to share the happiness I want to have with someone else. I'm just tired is all. Tired of all the games we have to play. Tired of having to worry about tomorrow when I should be living now. Carpe Diem, right? Seize the Day? Capture the moment? Live in the now? Just do it. Amazing, isn't it? How you can sum up life in just a few words. I mean we go throughout our lives, living each day, hoping that tomorrow will be better, only to find out, it doesn't always get better. Or worse. It just stays where it is. It's the same thing as yesterday.
I say live each day as if it were your last. Do what you want to do today, and not wait unitl tomorrow. Carpe Diem! Don't live your life regretting what could have been or could be. Live your life now. Right now, you're ok. The future is not set. Believe that right now, at this moment, you'll do what is right. You'll live the way you want to live. Right now, Life is good.
So am I happy you ask? *shrug* I don't know. But I do know that I don't know. And knowing is half the battle. Don't live your life thinking of what tomorrow may bring. Just live. Just take things in small doses. You know that right now you have to do it. So Just do it. Don't sit there and wait for it to happen. Make it happen. If it should, it will. If it shouldn't, it won't.
So again, I have to ask, am I happy? To be honest with you, no. I'm not. There feels in my soul to be an empty hole, a crevasse which needs to be filled. My soul weeps and my life drains along with it. I have accepted all my misfortunes, all my mistakes, all my wise decisions. These are all mine. I made my own mistakes, and I will not let it bring me down. And I'm tired.
Just got done watching The Family Man. Great movie. Although I love just about any Nicholas Cage movie, this one was great! Just loved how he was put into the situation and how he handled it. Classic Nicholas Cage. :) It was one of those It's a wonderful life movies, and even had the bell. I don't think it did too well in the box office though. Shame because it was a great movie. Just makes me wonder if I could take a "glimpse" of what my life would have been like if I had done something different. Rather curious.
7.24.2001
Finally!!! I got my car. :) Chevy Cavalier Z24 Coupe fully loaded, with all the works. And the most important things? It's got AC (thank God), and it's an automatic! I am soooo tired of using the clutch. I'm so glad that I do not have to push down on that thing everytime I have to start the car, slow down, start up, etc etc etc. Having a manual is just a pain in the ass in traffic. :) Also, it's got power steering. I know that may not be a big deal to most of you folks out there, but believe me after driving a manual steering vehicle, you learn to appreciate it. :) Trust me on this. Let's not forget the power windows, keyless entry, CD player with cassette player (although I have YET to use that. :) and a radio. The speakers are great in it. The rear speakers are subwoofers, so that kicks in the bass really well, which I do like. The engine is a 2.4 liter 4 banger at 115 hp. It's a nice little car. :) Not quite the Monte Carlo SS that I really wanted, but hey, who's got $30K to spend right? hehe.
Regardless, I'm really liking my car. I think mainly it's because I've never owned a brand new car before. Meaning, I'm the ONLY person who has owned it. :) I've always had used cars, which have done me a great service I think. (I really miss my Plymouth Valiant. It had that really nice engine in it. 318 V-8. But I wrecked that one. Or blew it up. I can't remember, but I'm sure my dad does. He's a car GENIUS. hehe) I'd like to make some modifications to the car, work on this and that. Just want to be able to do everything on my own for the car. Make my dad proud since he's the greatest mechanic I've ever known (and probably will ever know too!). And plus, it'll be fun and enjoyable. (at least I think so) Of course, I might have been watching too many NASCAR races, Gone in 60 Seconds too many times (GREAT movie), and loving The Fast and Furious way too much. :) No, no NOS for me. I don't think I can handle that. I'm not looking to do any major engine rework. Probably none in the first year for that matter. I want the car to just look good. :) So I can pick up all the "hot chicks" as it was so pointed out to me. No thanks. Any woman who loves me for my car is not my type. :)
Other than that, not much else is going on right now. I'm working hard at work, we've got a lot of projects going on that need some serious attention. I'm hoping to wrap up a lot of that so I can consider taking a good vacation sometime in the future. Take my car out for a road trip. :)
Gotta get back into working on my music as well. I've totally been neglecting that part. :)
Off Tangent:
I'm in such a good mood today. Not just because of my car. I think it's because of many things put together. I think I'm doing alright now. Of course, being the ultimate pessimist that I am, I'm wondering how long it will last. Since I've obviously got bad karma, I'm wondering when it's going to get bad again. :) But no worries. Right now, at this moment, I'm good. I'm content with life. Life is good. How could it get any better than this?
Regardless, I'm really liking my car. I think mainly it's because I've never owned a brand new car before. Meaning, I'm the ONLY person who has owned it. :) I've always had used cars, which have done me a great service I think. (I really miss my Plymouth Valiant. It had that really nice engine in it. 318 V-8. But I wrecked that one. Or blew it up. I can't remember, but I'm sure my dad does. He's a car GENIUS. hehe) I'd like to make some modifications to the car, work on this and that. Just want to be able to do everything on my own for the car. Make my dad proud since he's the greatest mechanic I've ever known (and probably will ever know too!). And plus, it'll be fun and enjoyable. (at least I think so) Of course, I might have been watching too many NASCAR races, Gone in 60 Seconds too many times (GREAT movie), and loving The Fast and Furious way too much. :) No, no NOS for me. I don't think I can handle that. I'm not looking to do any major engine rework. Probably none in the first year for that matter. I want the car to just look good. :) So I can pick up all the "hot chicks" as it was so pointed out to me. No thanks. Any woman who loves me for my car is not my type. :)
Other than that, not much else is going on right now. I'm working hard at work, we've got a lot of projects going on that need some serious attention. I'm hoping to wrap up a lot of that so I can consider taking a good vacation sometime in the future. Take my car out for a road trip. :)
Gotta get back into working on my music as well. I've totally been neglecting that part. :)
Off Tangent:
I'm in such a good mood today. Not just because of my car. I think it's because of many things put together. I think I'm doing alright now. Of course, being the ultimate pessimist that I am, I'm wondering how long it will last. Since I've obviously got bad karma, I'm wondering when it's going to get bad again. :) But no worries. Right now, at this moment, I'm good. I'm content with life. Life is good. How could it get any better than this?
7.21.2001
Off tangent...
Just got done watching one of my favourite movies, Sleepless in Seattle. There are times when I feel like I'm "Sleepless in St. Louis". :) Of course, I'm just hit with insomnia once in a while. (obviously if I'm writing this at this time of the night.) As I was watching the movie, I thought to myself if that could possibly be true. I mean really. Could it happen? The moment you meet someone, if you just knew, just knew it was right? Like Tom Hanks had mentioned, "it was like coming home. But no home that I knew of." (Ok, I'm paraphrasing, so sue me. :)
Could it be entirely possible that there is that one person out there that has the other half of my heart, and I'm just waiting to find her? Or trying to find her? I met a woman once, and when I saw her, I believe the first thing that popped into my head was, "...". Yes, I had no thoughts. I just knew her. LIke somehow we were connected in ways I'd never know. (Or probably don't want to know.) I have to admit, yes I eventually did fall in love with her, and no, we are no longer together. But we are still friends. (At least, I like to think so. :)
Regardless! As I know I've probably stated many times in past journal entries, I think I just miss being in love. I mean why wouldn't I right? Why wouldn't I want to be loved? It's always a good feeling to know that somebody loves you. Perhaps there is someone out there for me. I know there is. It's just a matter of connection. How will we meet? What will our first encounter be like? What will we do? Will it feel like "magick"? Someone once asked me how I knew I was in love. I told them that if you had to ask, you probably aren't. It's just something you know. It's something you feel. And if two people are truly in love, and I mean TRULY, they would know. If you have to ask yourself if you're in love, then are you?
There are people who say that love comes eventually. That in time, you will learn to love someone. No way. I don't believe that at all. I'm not saying that I believe in love at first sight, I'm just saying I don't think you should be together if you don't love each other. And that comes to my greatest fear in the world. That there are times when love just isn't enough. I've "been there, done that" and I am more the wiser for it. So does that make me bitter? Does that make me want to love someone less? Hell no. I only believe in love. Love is a strange and powerful force of nature. But I simply cannot believe in the middle line. I cannot believe that you would be with someone or marry someone "just because". Or, "It was inevitable". Or perhaps even "Well, everybody's here, can't stop it now." If two people should be together, then they should. If they ever had any doubts, perhaps they shouldn't be. I guess it's just late, I'm babbling.
Just got done watching one of my favourite movies, Sleepless in Seattle. There are times when I feel like I'm "Sleepless in St. Louis". :) Of course, I'm just hit with insomnia once in a while. (obviously if I'm writing this at this time of the night.) As I was watching the movie, I thought to myself if that could possibly be true. I mean really. Could it happen? The moment you meet someone, if you just knew, just knew it was right? Like Tom Hanks had mentioned, "it was like coming home. But no home that I knew of." (Ok, I'm paraphrasing, so sue me. :)
Could it be entirely possible that there is that one person out there that has the other half of my heart, and I'm just waiting to find her? Or trying to find her? I met a woman once, and when I saw her, I believe the first thing that popped into my head was, "...". Yes, I had no thoughts. I just knew her. LIke somehow we were connected in ways I'd never know. (Or probably don't want to know.) I have to admit, yes I eventually did fall in love with her, and no, we are no longer together. But we are still friends. (At least, I like to think so. :)
Regardless! As I know I've probably stated many times in past journal entries, I think I just miss being in love. I mean why wouldn't I right? Why wouldn't I want to be loved? It's always a good feeling to know that somebody loves you. Perhaps there is someone out there for me. I know there is. It's just a matter of connection. How will we meet? What will our first encounter be like? What will we do? Will it feel like "magick"? Someone once asked me how I knew I was in love. I told them that if you had to ask, you probably aren't. It's just something you know. It's something you feel. And if two people are truly in love, and I mean TRULY, they would know. If you have to ask yourself if you're in love, then are you?
There are people who say that love comes eventually. That in time, you will learn to love someone. No way. I don't believe that at all. I'm not saying that I believe in love at first sight, I'm just saying I don't think you should be together if you don't love each other. And that comes to my greatest fear in the world. That there are times when love just isn't enough. I've "been there, done that" and I am more the wiser for it. So does that make me bitter? Does that make me want to love someone less? Hell no. I only believe in love. Love is a strange and powerful force of nature. But I simply cannot believe in the middle line. I cannot believe that you would be with someone or marry someone "just because". Or, "It was inevitable". Or perhaps even "Well, everybody's here, can't stop it now." If two people should be together, then they should. If they ever had any doubts, perhaps they shouldn't be. I guess it's just late, I'm babbling.
7.15.2001
7.11.2001
7.08.2001
7.07.2001
I'm playing way too much Diablo 2 Expansion. I am such a nerd.
My mom's birthday is next week. Man, I can't believe it's her birthday already. Time is flying way too fast. Right now she's in Japan, visiting friends and having a good time. I told her to make sure she buys me some "really cool japanese stuff". She knows what kind of stuff I like, so I can trust her. :)
My mom's birthday is next week. Man, I can't believe it's her birthday already. Time is flying way too fast. Right now she's in Japan, visiting friends and having a good time. I told her to make sure she buys me some "really cool japanese stuff". She knows what kind of stuff I like, so I can trust her. :)
7.06.2001
Took a few "psychic" tests online today. Nothing major. In my opinion, it didn't really tell me if I'm psychic or not. That's my opinion at least. How can you test for something like that? Ridiculous I say.
Anyways...
I was going to write some things down But I've forgotten them already since I have the "too many IM's" disease right now. LOL losing concentration by having too many conversations going on at once. Oh well, what can you do.
Off tangent:
Why do you do it? Why do you play with my mind thus? I have no idea if you're coming or going. What are your intentions? What do you want with me? Am I to fill in a space you have lost in the past? What is my role in your life? Why do you have to complicate mine so much and make me second guess myself? I hat the games. I hate the masquerade. Why can't we all just be honest and tell what we feel all the time? Why can't we all just get along? What hidden agendas do you have? Why does it seem you wish to tell me something, but you never do? Why do you turn the tables and it seems to be my fault for it all? Where did I go wrong? What can I say to make it all right? What can I do to make it ok? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do you still talk to me? Where am I? Where am I going? Where have I been?
Once, what seems like only yesterday to me, I told you a story. A story I heard on Xena: The Warrior Princess. You laughed, I remember because I paraphrased it and couldn't remember all the fine details. It was a story that Gabrielle told to Iolaus when he thought he was dying. This time, I wanted to get it right. So here it is as told by Gabrielle to Iolaus:
"Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul..."
There. Now it's set. Oh, and sometimes, just sometimes, we are lucky enough to find that other half. Soulmates. "You complete me."
Anyways...
I was going to write some things down But I've forgotten them already since I have the "too many IM's" disease right now. LOL losing concentration by having too many conversations going on at once. Oh well, what can you do.
Off tangent:
Why do you do it? Why do you play with my mind thus? I have no idea if you're coming or going. What are your intentions? What do you want with me? Am I to fill in a space you have lost in the past? What is my role in your life? Why do you have to complicate mine so much and make me second guess myself? I hat the games. I hate the masquerade. Why can't we all just be honest and tell what we feel all the time? Why can't we all just get along? What hidden agendas do you have? Why does it seem you wish to tell me something, but you never do? Why do you turn the tables and it seems to be my fault for it all? Where did I go wrong? What can I say to make it all right? What can I do to make it ok? Why does it have to be so hard? Why do you still talk to me? Where am I? Where am I going? Where have I been?
Once, what seems like only yesterday to me, I told you a story. A story I heard on Xena: The Warrior Princess. You laughed, I remember because I paraphrased it and couldn't remember all the fine details. It was a story that Gabrielle told to Iolaus when he thought he was dying. This time, I wanted to get it right. So here it is as told by Gabrielle to Iolaus:
"Once, a long, long time ago, all people had four legs and two heads. And then the gods threw down thunderbolts, and split everyone into two. Each half then had two legs and one head. But the separation left both sides with a desperate yearning to be reunited. Because they each shared the same soul. And ever since then, all people spend their lives searching for the other half of their soul..."
There. Now it's set. Oh, and sometimes, just sometimes, we are lucky enough to find that other half. Soulmates. "You complete me."
I'm not remembering any of my dreams lately. I know I'm dreaming, I just can't remember them. They're like blurs in my memory. Why is it that we don't remember our dreams? Is it to protect ourselves? Is it a self-defense mechanism? Since I've been a small boy, I've always had dreams that come true. I mean literally, down to the last detail of remembering what people were wearing, what people would say in it. Perhaps that's why I don't remember most dreams. I thought for sure I'd remember some of my dreams from last night.
Yesterday a couple of co-workers and I were talking about ghosts. St. Louis is a mecca of haunted houses and stories about supernatural occurances. As a matter of a fact, the movie Exorcist was based upon a true to life ordeal here in St. Louis. What is it about St. Louis that attracts such things? Makes me wonder how many vampires live in this city. If they exist. :) Maybe I just read too many books. Hehe.
Off topic:
I remember one time telling a friend that I would rather be blind than deaf. I'm not entirely sure what my life would be like without music. Music is my life! I could not live without it. I'm afraid I'm not as strong as Helen Keller. I don't think that feeling the music would be quite enough for me. Music brings back incredible imagery. Certain songs cause some incredible memories to be triggered. I mentioned Kristin Hallet yesterday, and one song that I associate with her is the song Sign your name by Terence Trent D'Arby. I remember that when we worked together at Six Flags Great Adventure, everytime she walked in the door, that song was playing. It was really weird. Of course, after a while (as she pointed out) I would simply wait until I knew she was coming in, and would play the song. :) It's ok. It's her song to me. This is why music is so important to me. There are just songs that frighten me and songs that comfort me. (A song that comes to mind is Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb - Great song)
What am I listening at this moment? Ozzy Osbourne Mama, I'm coming home. I think that perhaps I love this song so much because I can play it on the guitar. I'm sure that's the biggest reason for liking many songs actually. Although I do actually listen to the words of many many songs. Which sometimes is tough hehe. You have to understand what half these people are saying. ;p
Of course, there are days (most of the time) where I just need to listen to something really upbeat. Like Prodigy. I love Prodigy. As I'm typing this journal, now I'm listening to Smack my bitch up. At first, I didn't really like the song too much, and it was just an "okay" song. Then I watch Charlie's Angels (the movie). And when this song played, I was loving it. Of course, it helped that the movie was synching with the song. And of course, they edited the song a little bit for the movie. That's cool though. Hell if I was a director, I'd do that too.
Speaking of movies. Holy cow. There are way too many movies to see. I don't even know what movie to see first! A.I., Kiss of the Dragon, Cats and Dogs, just to name a few. I'm sure I'll end up going to see Kiss of the Dragon first. :) Jet Li rocks!
Gots to get ready for work.
Yesterday a couple of co-workers and I were talking about ghosts. St. Louis is a mecca of haunted houses and stories about supernatural occurances. As a matter of a fact, the movie Exorcist was based upon a true to life ordeal here in St. Louis. What is it about St. Louis that attracts such things? Makes me wonder how many vampires live in this city. If they exist. :) Maybe I just read too many books. Hehe.
Off topic:
I remember one time telling a friend that I would rather be blind than deaf. I'm not entirely sure what my life would be like without music. Music is my life! I could not live without it. I'm afraid I'm not as strong as Helen Keller. I don't think that feeling the music would be quite enough for me. Music brings back incredible imagery. Certain songs cause some incredible memories to be triggered. I mentioned Kristin Hallet yesterday, and one song that I associate with her is the song Sign your name by Terence Trent D'Arby. I remember that when we worked together at Six Flags Great Adventure, everytime she walked in the door, that song was playing. It was really weird. Of course, after a while (as she pointed out) I would simply wait until I knew she was coming in, and would play the song. :) It's ok. It's her song to me. This is why music is so important to me. There are just songs that frighten me and songs that comfort me. (A song that comes to mind is Pink Floyd's Comfortably Numb - Great song)
What am I listening at this moment? Ozzy Osbourne Mama, I'm coming home. I think that perhaps I love this song so much because I can play it on the guitar. I'm sure that's the biggest reason for liking many songs actually. Although I do actually listen to the words of many many songs. Which sometimes is tough hehe. You have to understand what half these people are saying. ;p
Of course, there are days (most of the time) where I just need to listen to something really upbeat. Like Prodigy. I love Prodigy. As I'm typing this journal, now I'm listening to Smack my bitch up. At first, I didn't really like the song too much, and it was just an "okay" song. Then I watch Charlie's Angels (the movie). And when this song played, I was loving it. Of course, it helped that the movie was synching with the song. And of course, they edited the song a little bit for the movie. That's cool though. Hell if I was a director, I'd do that too.
Speaking of movies. Holy cow. There are way too many movies to see. I don't even know what movie to see first! A.I., Kiss of the Dragon, Cats and Dogs, just to name a few. I'm sure I'll end up going to see Kiss of the Dragon first. :) Jet Li rocks!
Gots to get ready for work.
Remember that song that Lita Ford and Ozzy Osbourne did together? Close My Eyes Forever? Man that was such a great song. Don't ask me why I really like it. I'm not sure really. I guess it's because the song is about heartache and pain. I mean, really it is. Listen to it. It's pretty apparent.
I guess really it's about two people who used to be together and broke up. And want to still be together, but cannot because of the pain and sorrow that comes along with it. And finally they come to the realization that they were meant for each other. How tragic is that? That after all this time, you realize that those were the best times of your life, but were also the worst times of your life? I suppose you cannot feel pleasure if there is no pain.
I remember saying that to one of my friends who was having some problems with a relationship. That there could never be only good times. You have to live through the bad times as well. If not, then you have no comparison. It is inevitable that two people will conflict. It's a human trait. I suppose there are relationships that have no disagreements, no fights, no debates. It's unimaginable if you ask me. Perhaps it's because all my life, it has seemed to be a conflict; as if I were running a marathon, and have yet to complete it because of all the roadblocks in this world. Or maybe it's because it's really late, and I'm just grasping for anything to put in here. Probably the latter.
"You're like a dagger, you stick me in the heart, and taste the blood from the blade.
And when we sleep would you shelter me in your warm and darkened grave.
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain same?"
Really though. If I were to die tomorrow, would everything, all the memories I have, all the experiences I've had remain the same? Who would hold those memories of me? Can't be. Everything changes. Even people change. It just goes exactly with my point about the song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. We all change. Everything changes, the world changes, lives change, we change. We can't not change. It's impossible. Sometimes I just wish some people would change faster. It would make my life easier.
America's Sweethearts comes out 7/20. I simply can't wait to see this movie. I'm just not really sure who would want to go see it with me. LOL I suppose I can find a date or something. Who knows. It looks like a date movie. LOL It's got John Cusack in it, and anyone who knows me would know that that is enough for me to go. Great guy, that Cusack guy. I still thik that was the coolest thing that he did in Say Anything. Too bad I never did anything like that. :)
On another note, I just remembered that the name Kristin Hallet popped into my thoughts today. I suppose that would be cool if she found me on the web. I remember looking for her a while back and couldn't find her. Of course, I'm sure she's married now, and would have changed her name. Makes things hard to find sometimes. :) So I guess I'll have to rely on any folks who might know her to get a hold of me. That would cool to find out what she's been up to.
I guess really it's about two people who used to be together and broke up. And want to still be together, but cannot because of the pain and sorrow that comes along with it. And finally they come to the realization that they were meant for each other. How tragic is that? That after all this time, you realize that those were the best times of your life, but were also the worst times of your life? I suppose you cannot feel pleasure if there is no pain.
I remember saying that to one of my friends who was having some problems with a relationship. That there could never be only good times. You have to live through the bad times as well. If not, then you have no comparison. It is inevitable that two people will conflict. It's a human trait. I suppose there are relationships that have no disagreements, no fights, no debates. It's unimaginable if you ask me. Perhaps it's because all my life, it has seemed to be a conflict; as if I were running a marathon, and have yet to complete it because of all the roadblocks in this world. Or maybe it's because it's really late, and I'm just grasping for anything to put in here. Probably the latter.
"You're like a dagger, you stick me in the heart, and taste the blood from the blade.
And when we sleep would you shelter me in your warm and darkened grave.
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain unchanged?
If I close my eyes forever, would it all remain same?"
Really though. If I were to die tomorrow, would everything, all the memories I have, all the experiences I've had remain the same? Who would hold those memories of me? Can't be. Everything changes. Even people change. It just goes exactly with my point about the song Bittersweet Symphony by The Verve. We all change. Everything changes, the world changes, lives change, we change. We can't not change. It's impossible. Sometimes I just wish some people would change faster. It would make my life easier.
America's Sweethearts comes out 7/20. I simply can't wait to see this movie. I'm just not really sure who would want to go see it with me. LOL I suppose I can find a date or something. Who knows. It looks like a date movie. LOL It's got John Cusack in it, and anyone who knows me would know that that is enough for me to go. Great guy, that Cusack guy. I still thik that was the coolest thing that he did in Say Anything. Too bad I never did anything like that. :)
On another note, I just remembered that the name Kristin Hallet popped into my thoughts today. I suppose that would be cool if she found me on the web. I remember looking for her a while back and couldn't find her. Of course, I'm sure she's married now, and would have changed her name. Makes things hard to find sometimes. :) So I guess I'll have to rely on any folks who might know her to get a hold of me. That would cool to find out what she's been up to.
7.05.2001
Talk about the most uneventful day of my life. Nothing happened today. I think I managed to go through work and not really accomplish anything at all today. Well, no I'm sorry I did accomplish a few things at work. But I can't really count what I did at work today as accomplishment. It doesn't really gain me all that much in my life. It's not like what I did is going to get me a raise or anything. ;)
I really really need to work on the ad for Campari Red. I'm really jazzed about it. I know I won't win or anything, but it's a chance to do something good you know? Almost like a "real" job. Because the job I have now is so fake it's not even funny. But it does pay the bills. (barely :)
I've got the case of "too many IM's" and I'm losing my concentration. LOL I will end this now.
I really really need to work on the ad for Campari Red. I'm really jazzed about it. I know I won't win or anything, but it's a chance to do something good you know? Almost like a "real" job. Because the job I have now is so fake it's not even funny. But it does pay the bills. (barely :)
I've got the case of "too many IM's" and I'm losing my concentration. LOL I will end this now.
7.04.2001
Police Officer: So are you guys shooting off the big fireworks?
Vince: No, all we've got are bottle rockets, fountains and sky rockets.
All this happened right after we got done cleaning up and throwing away all those mortars. :) Man, nothing quite like shooting off fireworks. The "noteworthy" firework tonight was the one that one of my friends Tim shot off. Boy was that fun. Not only did it just about go up in flames, the tube that it was in decided to fall over - towards me. After drinking a few Pina Coladas, of course, I was on top of it. I dodged out of the way just about quick enough as everyone yelled, "Oh Shit!!!" Of course, when I say I dodged, I dodged in my time. Not the mortars time. hehe. That thing barely missed me and commenced to explode right behind me. Did I not have those Pina Coladas in me, I would surely have been hurting. Hehe. Everyone was pretty much saying things like "Oh my God, it almost killed you!" or "Oh man, that was close!" Now that's fireworks. :) Thanks Tim, for almost catching me on fire. :D
But it was definitely fun. I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I would. Unfortunately, I neglected to bring my video camera which would definitely have been great. It's okay, next year I'll be prepared. :) Of course, next year, they plan on having even larger and better fireworks. hehe.
All in all, aside from the fact that I just about sponatenously combusted, it was a kick ass day. :)
Vince: No, all we've got are bottle rockets, fountains and sky rockets.
All this happened right after we got done cleaning up and throwing away all those mortars. :) Man, nothing quite like shooting off fireworks. The "noteworthy" firework tonight was the one that one of my friends Tim shot off. Boy was that fun. Not only did it just about go up in flames, the tube that it was in decided to fall over - towards me. After drinking a few Pina Coladas, of course, I was on top of it. I dodged out of the way just about quick enough as everyone yelled, "Oh Shit!!!" Of course, when I say I dodged, I dodged in my time. Not the mortars time. hehe. That thing barely missed me and commenced to explode right behind me. Did I not have those Pina Coladas in me, I would surely have been hurting. Hehe. Everyone was pretty much saying things like "Oh my God, it almost killed you!" or "Oh man, that was close!" Now that's fireworks. :) Thanks Tim, for almost catching me on fire. :D
But it was definitely fun. I didn't take as many pictures as I thought I would. Unfortunately, I neglected to bring my video camera which would definitely have been great. It's okay, next year I'll be prepared. :) Of course, next year, they plan on having even larger and better fireworks. hehe.
All in all, aside from the fact that I just about sponatenously combusted, it was a kick ass day. :)
Man I am such a nerd. I think I've collectively spent in the past 3 days, about 10 hours playing the Diablo 2 Expansion Pack. :)
Last night, my ISDN line went down. Which was good in a way. 1) It got me offline and preventing me from playing any games. :) 2) I didn't have to worry about work for a while. hehe. 3) Made me watch the Dogma: Special Edition DVD I just bought. Which was great. I just wish people would understand it's a joke. Although I did notice the Kevin Smith said he was Catholic. I thought about that, and thought that it could be true, but you never know. There was a part in the deleted scenes where Silent Bob shut up Jay real fast. He took Jay's bag of weed and threw it out into the forest. Jay said, "You dick." I was rolling. Yeah, you know that's a real good way to shut someone up. Or get your ass kicked. hehe. Regardless, I thought that was pretty funny. Look for it in their new (and last supposedly) film, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
I actually cleaned up my apartment today, although it would not readily be noticeable in my office webcam. I'm thinking about rearranging my office anyways. That's gonna be a headache. :) But after reading a bit of Feng Shui (pronounced Feng Shway) for the office, I think I need to turn my desk around. It's not a good thing to have your back to the door it said. I agree. That's just common sense. :)
Feeling in good spirits today, no melancholy. I think I'm just glad I'm off. I just wish people would do the same and take time off as well. There's absolutely no reason for anyone to be "working" on the computer. They should be spending it with family or something. :) Of course, I just shot myself in the foot since I'm sort of "working", but my family is thousands of miles away in both directions. I don't think I'll be spending any time with them anytime soon.
Mental note: I really need to move my Audrey Hepburn Sabrina poster. When I rearrange my office, I will do that.
Last night, my ISDN line went down. Which was good in a way. 1) It got me offline and preventing me from playing any games. :) 2) I didn't have to worry about work for a while. hehe. 3) Made me watch the Dogma: Special Edition DVD I just bought. Which was great. I just wish people would understand it's a joke. Although I did notice the Kevin Smith said he was Catholic. I thought about that, and thought that it could be true, but you never know. There was a part in the deleted scenes where Silent Bob shut up Jay real fast. He took Jay's bag of weed and threw it out into the forest. Jay said, "You dick." I was rolling. Yeah, you know that's a real good way to shut someone up. Or get your ass kicked. hehe. Regardless, I thought that was pretty funny. Look for it in their new (and last supposedly) film, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back.
I actually cleaned up my apartment today, although it would not readily be noticeable in my office webcam. I'm thinking about rearranging my office anyways. That's gonna be a headache. :) But after reading a bit of Feng Shui (pronounced Feng Shway) for the office, I think I need to turn my desk around. It's not a good thing to have your back to the door it said. I agree. That's just common sense. :)
Feeling in good spirits today, no melancholy. I think I'm just glad I'm off. I just wish people would do the same and take time off as well. There's absolutely no reason for anyone to be "working" on the computer. They should be spending it with family or something. :) Of course, I just shot myself in the foot since I'm sort of "working", but my family is thousands of miles away in both directions. I don't think I'll be spending any time with them anytime soon.
Mental note: I really need to move my Audrey Hepburn Sabrina poster. When I rearrange my office, I will do that.
7.03.2001
The Amish Cinnamon Bread Project begins.
Actually, this is day 2. I have squeezed the baggy several times. I'm hoping that it doesn't ferment too much. I like this: "Let the air out of the bag as it expands. It is normal for the batter to thicken, bubble and ferment." Somehow it doesn't sound quite right that it should "bubble". Still not so sure about the bubbling thing. ;p
Actually, this is day 2. I have squeezed the baggy several times. I'm hoping that it doesn't ferment too much. I like this: "Let the air out of the bag as it expands. It is normal for the batter to thicken, bubble and ferment." Somehow it doesn't sound quite right that it should "bubble". Still not so sure about the bubbling thing. ;p
I think I'm feeling a bit melancholy today. But I'm still in a good mood. Is that a contradiction? Not sure.
I got a recipe for some bread, Amish Cinnamon Bread. One of my friends gave me the starter for it. I'm supposed to over a course of 10 days, squeeze the bag several times and basically just let it ferment on the countertop. It sounds rather interesting enough. At the end of 10 days, I'm supposed to make 3 new bags from the starter mix I built up and give them to 3 people along with the instructions. Almost kind of like a chain letter no? I thought that rather interesting. Of course, there really is no catch or reward except for the bread itself. I understand it's supposed to be really good. We shall see at the end of 10 days. :)
I'm going out to my friend's tomorrow for a barbeque. Should be a lot of fun, all of us getting together and shooting fireworks and having dinner. Somehow though I'm not as excited as I wanted to be. Perhaps I *am* feeling a bit melancholy. Who knows. I'm sure that once I get there, it will be a blast. I just hate the fact that I need someone to give me a ride to my friends house. I suppose that is what really nags at me. Don't want to be a burden or a pain to anyone. I just hate that. I'll live. That's all that matters. :) Happy days. :)
I'm still wishing that my life was a movie. I just want to get to the end of it already. :)
I got a recipe for some bread, Amish Cinnamon Bread. One of my friends gave me the starter for it. I'm supposed to over a course of 10 days, squeeze the bag several times and basically just let it ferment on the countertop. It sounds rather interesting enough. At the end of 10 days, I'm supposed to make 3 new bags from the starter mix I built up and give them to 3 people along with the instructions. Almost kind of like a chain letter no? I thought that rather interesting. Of course, there really is no catch or reward except for the bread itself. I understand it's supposed to be really good. We shall see at the end of 10 days. :)
I'm going out to my friend's tomorrow for a barbeque. Should be a lot of fun, all of us getting together and shooting fireworks and having dinner. Somehow though I'm not as excited as I wanted to be. Perhaps I *am* feeling a bit melancholy. Who knows. I'm sure that once I get there, it will be a blast. I just hate the fact that I need someone to give me a ride to my friends house. I suppose that is what really nags at me. Don't want to be a burden or a pain to anyone. I just hate that. I'll live. That's all that matters. :) Happy days. :)
I'm still wishing that my life was a movie. I just want to get to the end of it already. :)
Off tangent...
Please don't. Don't play games with me. Don't tell me one thing and do another. It's really not fair. It's really not nice. Please don't go. Please don't leave me wondering what happened, with questions unanswered and words unsaid. Please don't go. Why must we play these games? Why can it not be so simple? If you left now I would never know your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns. Please don't go. Don't leave me behind only to realize that I could have done something to help. That I could have said a few words to make you feel better. That I could have made a difference to you. Please don't go. Don't tell me everything's ok, when I know you too well. Don't tell me you're tired, and that's all. Don't tell me everything will be ok when you don't let anyone help you. Please don't go. If you leave now, I will never forgive myself for letting you leave. I could never live down the fact that maybe I could have been there for you. That I could have made a difference. So please. Don't go.
Please don't. Don't play games with me. Don't tell me one thing and do another. It's really not fair. It's really not nice. Please don't go. Please don't leave me wondering what happened, with questions unanswered and words unsaid. Please don't go. Why must we play these games? Why can it not be so simple? If you left now I would never know your thoughts, your feelings, your concerns. Please don't go. Don't leave me behind only to realize that I could have done something to help. That I could have said a few words to make you feel better. That I could have made a difference to you. Please don't go. Don't tell me everything's ok, when I know you too well. Don't tell me you're tired, and that's all. Don't tell me everything will be ok when you don't let anyone help you. Please don't go. If you leave now, I will never forgive myself for letting you leave. I could never live down the fact that maybe I could have been there for you. That I could have made a difference. So please. Don't go.
Off tangent...
You say you don't want to be an "afterthought". Neither do I. I wonder sometimes why I'm even around. Someone to talk to perhaps? Someone to borrow money from and never pay back? Or perhaps just a little bit of sanity in your life. Perhaps you feel you need to retaliate at me. Perhaps you feel that I need to feel the pain you must feel. You're so wrong. I feel pain each day, each moment that I talk to you. You build this wall around you and you never let anyone in. I would like to think that perhaps I tore down a small part of that wall so I could at least see inside. Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't. Who really knows. I'm just tired really. I'm tired of the games we play. I'm tired of the stupid little things that are done perhaps to "test" each other. I'm just tired. And please don't ever think that you're an afterthought. You never were, and you always knew that.
People never see the inside. All most people see are the outside. Something which without the insides, the soul, would only be a shell. An empty corpse with no mind of it's own. Perhaps if people took the time to get to know what's inside someone, they might realize that people are not so different after all. Of course, this kind of thing has been said a million times by other people. I suppose I'm really in a weird mood. I'm feeling good, but at the same time I feel a bit...melancholy. I guess that's the word. I don't think I'm depressed, which is what most people would think. I'm not really depressed or lonely. I'm just content, but not content. I guess what I'm really waiting for is the last 30 minutes of the movie. Where everything turns out ok, and the guy gets the girl, and lives happily ever after. Too bad my life isn't a movie. That would just rock. :)
Speaking of movies, I bought the Dogma Collector's Edition today. Great movie. I also started watching Kindred:The Embraced again. Also picked up Queen of the Damned and started reading that again the other day. What is this obsession I have with vampires and vampirism? I'm not altogether sure. Although I would think that it would be incredibly great to become a vampire, I'm not so sure about that "immortality" thing. I mean look what it did to the Highlander. :) "Who wants to live forever" right? Live on, only to watch your loved one pass away. How much more sad can it get? In a way, Kindred could be the same. Of course, you could "embrace" a human and you could potentially live together forever. But who would want to bring someone over to a life you hate? (provided you do hate it of course) I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.
So here I go again.
You say you don't want to be an "afterthought". Neither do I. I wonder sometimes why I'm even around. Someone to talk to perhaps? Someone to borrow money from and never pay back? Or perhaps just a little bit of sanity in your life. Perhaps you feel you need to retaliate at me. Perhaps you feel that I need to feel the pain you must feel. You're so wrong. I feel pain each day, each moment that I talk to you. You build this wall around you and you never let anyone in. I would like to think that perhaps I tore down a small part of that wall so I could at least see inside. Perhaps I did, perhaps I didn't. Who really knows. I'm just tired really. I'm tired of the games we play. I'm tired of the stupid little things that are done perhaps to "test" each other. I'm just tired. And please don't ever think that you're an afterthought. You never were, and you always knew that.
People never see the inside. All most people see are the outside. Something which without the insides, the soul, would only be a shell. An empty corpse with no mind of it's own. Perhaps if people took the time to get to know what's inside someone, they might realize that people are not so different after all. Of course, this kind of thing has been said a million times by other people. I suppose I'm really in a weird mood. I'm feeling good, but at the same time I feel a bit...melancholy. I guess that's the word. I don't think I'm depressed, which is what most people would think. I'm not really depressed or lonely. I'm just content, but not content. I guess what I'm really waiting for is the last 30 minutes of the movie. Where everything turns out ok, and the guy gets the girl, and lives happily ever after. Too bad my life isn't a movie. That would just rock. :)
Speaking of movies, I bought the Dogma Collector's Edition today. Great movie. I also started watching Kindred:The Embraced again. Also picked up Queen of the Damned and started reading that again the other day. What is this obsession I have with vampires and vampirism? I'm not altogether sure. Although I would think that it would be incredibly great to become a vampire, I'm not so sure about that "immortality" thing. I mean look what it did to the Highlander. :) "Who wants to live forever" right? Live on, only to watch your loved one pass away. How much more sad can it get? In a way, Kindred could be the same. Of course, you could "embrace" a human and you could potentially live together forever. But who would want to bring someone over to a life you hate? (provided you do hate it of course) I don't know. Maybe I'm just tired.
So here I go again.
7.02.2001
7.01.2001
Well, looks like I've got the beginnings of my first "album". I've got 2 songs down, Slide into madness and Velocity. I think so far they work pretty well together. The Slide into madness is much like an "intro" song for the album, and is definitely a favourite of mine. :) Velocity is a techno song. Love it. :) Not sure what I'm going to put next. Possibly have a segue into another type of song. who knows. I'll work it in there. :)
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