Definitely a Metallica day. I love Metallica. Yeah, I'm thinking it's definitely a Metallica day. :)

Songs in my queue:

Metallica - The Unforgiven II
Metallica - One
Metallica - The Unforgiven
Metallica - Nothing Else Matters

Have you ever just had those days when you were just sad? But it was a good kind of sad, not the bad kind of sad? You know what I mean. I'm feeling that today. It's almost the kind of rainy day melancholic feel. You're sad, but not really sad. Does that make sense? And why am I sad? Hmm not sure. I guess I just miss being in love. I really do. I know it's really weird, but hey, I'm already a freak. What can you do.

So I'm listening to some kinda sad songs I suppose. What's in my queue right now?

The Verve - Bittersweet Symphony
Dave Matthews Band - Crash Into Me
Incubus - Drive
Madonna - Frozen

Those are just a few. There are others. :)

So much for returning to it later that day. But I'll go ahead and elaborate now.

What is love? Is love the feeling of nausea, where you're on the verge of throwing up (or just plain throwing up) when the girl (or guy) of your dream walks by? (eg. South Park. :) Or is it that pain you feel deep inside your chest, where you have to catch your breath because that one person just looked in your general direction? Wondering if she (or he) is looking at you and not someone around you? Or perhaps it's that longing you feel inside. How do you know if you're in love? Or do you just know? Is it an emotion that you can define with words? Just one definition of love is : "A feeling of intense desire and attraction toward a person with whom one is disposed to make a pair; the emotion of sex and romance." Really. Somehow I cannot imagine that that's all it is. "intense desire and attraction". Somehow I find that not quite enough.

So what do I think love is? And how do I know I'm in it? I hate to be the one to break it to you, but the only person who can answer that is yourself. I mean seriously. Just as pain is subjective, so is love. Sure it is. It's different for everyone. I have a friend that falls in love with a different woman everyday. We laugh it off as obsession or perhaps even lust. But to him? It's love. Sure you could say that love is an everlasting feeling that truly lasts forever. But who are we kidding. It's not always like that. There are those out there who are lucky, very lucky to have fallen in love and actually kept that feeling for that one person all this time. Some of us (or most of us, I think) are not so fortunate. I mean seriously. So you see, the feeling of "love" is subjective. And I almost have to believe that yes, it may be used rather loosely. But I don't tell a woman that I love her just to get her into bed. That would be morally wrong. I'm not a saint, believe me. I am not one who has never sinned. "Let he who has not sinned cast the first stone." Yeah, I thought so. But I do have honesty, integrity, and most of all respect for other people. I'm not one to love too easily. Which was not always the case. I suppose that after having my heart broken many times, I have learned not to love so easily. Some would say that I am rather too honest or too trusting. Perhaps. But that does not mean that it is wrong to fall in love. Sure, there may be circumstances where you should not have fallen in love with someone. Perhaps it is your neighbor's wife (or husband) or perhaps it is a woman who is already spoken for. But I still do not think that falling in love with someone is wrong. It would be wrong to act upon the urges. But I digress.

But what about "True Love"? Does it exist? As a dreamer, I believe that it exists. I truly honestly believe that every person in this world has someone else who is their exact match, and were meant to be together. Do we always find them? Of course not. I would imagine that you would have a better chance of winning the lottery than finding "True Love". But what is it you ask. What is "True Love"? In my mind, I think that true love is utter devotion, unconditional surrender to your mate. A feeling that without them you are not quite whole. That you are not "complete". (which in itself is ridiculous, no one is truly incomplete) It's unwavering loyalty, longing, desire, Passion. I capitalize passion because I truly believe that every relationship should not be without passion. Passion is the fruit of love; the basis of love. Without passion, there is no desire. Without desire, there is no love. Without love...we are but empty husks in the cycle of life. Passion feeds the fire that is awakened in all of us. Love is Passion. Passion is Love.

So my original point? What is love? Love is you, me, and everything in between. Love is everything, Love is the universe, Love just is. Don't define it, don't put labels on it, just experience it and enjoy it. Have fun. Live your life like you've never fallen in love before. Love is.

I was told yesterday that the word love is used too loosely. What is love? ... Hmm. I think I could go on for hours on this subject. I'll have to return to this one later today.

Well well well. I'll be damned. I was just looking at my keyword searches for my site... and I see "does existence precede essence". It's good to know that I'm not the only freak out there who's searching for that answer. I really hope they found out what they needed to know. :)

So what have I been doing lately? Aside from looking for a friend, nothing much. I feel real horrible about not updating the site. One of these days I'm sure that I will have something new and fresh. But as it stands, nothing new is going on in my life. How exciting.

My friend Naomi flew in last night for a business trip. I picked her up and we went to go see the St. Louis Arch. She said, "ok, that's cool, I saw it. Now let's go eat." She was pretty hungry. :) Had to take her to Kreigers, they have the best seasoned fries ever! She says she's trying to lose weight. Sorry Naomi. :) I told her to be sure that her co workers take her to Ted Drewes and to get some toasted raviolis. You cannot say your trip to St. Louis is complete without at least doing that. :) I hope she has fun in this quaint little city.

On a different note, I have to continue my vampire story. *sigh*. I guess I've just been too busy lately with so many sites. I've got so much on my mind right now, it's driving me nuts! I hate real life. I want my life to be a movie. (I know, I've said it before, but maybe if I keep saying it, it'll come true.)

I played the powerball for the first time last weekend. So much for beginner's luck. I bought 5 powerballs, and I only got 1 number out of the 5. Just 1!! *sigh*

Ok. I changed my mind. I don't want to hear REM right now. I'm instead listening to Enigma - MCMXC AD. How quaint.

Oh wait. I just stuck in Enigma - The Child in Us in between the songs of MCMXC AD. I love this song. It relaxes my soul.

I hate where my life is right now. I want to live in a movie. I want to know that my life is not real.

I'm listening to REM - Green. One of the first concerts I remember going to. I think. Regardless, I love this album. It's all about me.

It's simply way too nice to be indoors. Must go out. :)

...

I walked the streets, searching. What I was searching for, I don't know. Perhaps tonight I will feed upon poor soul who happened to walk by. Regardless, I kept walking. I didn't want to feed upon the helpless humans, unaware of their surroundings, unaware of us. Kindred are all around them, at the hospital, in the clubs, even in the police stations.

Through the night I wandered around. I thought about my past, and the family I left behind. I had no one left, no family, no friends. I was alone in this world. Alone with the knowledge that the monsters which humans called Vampires do exist. That they do not call themselves Vampires, but instead call each other Kindred, a word used possibly to reassure them that all of us are family. Too bad I don't feel that way. I have broken all the Kindred laws. It is a wonder that a blood hunt has not been called upon me. Perhaps the Prince of the city does not deem it worth their time. I am so lost.

When my sire passed on, I had no direction, nowhere to go. We spent most times away from other Kindred. Of course, everywhere we went, we would pay respect to the Prince of the city and let him know that we were just passing through. We had no enemies. That is, until we reached Tokyo. That's when the nightmare began...

Again I was looking through the keywords people use to search for stuff and found my page. "Why people lie". I hope you found what you were looking for.

...

The night closed in as the sun sank down into the depths of the horizon. I awoke then, watching the line of light disappear, replaced by the moonlit sky. I knew that tonight I would feel the hunger. The beast inside my soul yearned to break out. For nearly a month I have gone without feeding, without the sustenance of life. I can feel the sinewy hands of the beast reaching out, wanting to devour the blood of any passerby who should be unfortunate enough to cross my path. I do not wish to kill, I will take only what is needed. But can I fight the beast any longer? Only time can tell.

My name is Elijah. I was born in the year 1781. And I am Kindred. I was embraced shortly after my 25th year, while out working in the fields. My sire came upon me unsuspectedly and tore into my flesh and drained my life's blood. As I was dying, he cut his wrist open and fed me his blood, and I have been cursed to drink it ever since. For over 200 years I have roamed the earth, travelling from Shanghai to London. I have seen all that could be seen, and have witnessed many wonders. But no miracle will ever give me back my mortality. And I rue it...

Just looking at what people were searching for when they found my page. "Northern Exposure cigarettes". At first, didn't think anything of it, but then thought, "what the hell does cigarettes have to do with Northern Exposure?" Can anyone enlighten me on this? Is this a brand of cigarettes? Just thought that kinda intriguing.

Off Tangent...
I hate liars, cheats, drug-addicts, and users. I hate people who use others for their own benefit. I hate people who steal only to get money for drugs. I wish I could help them, but I cannot help someone who does not a) want to be helped, or b) think they have a problem. It's a really sad sad world isn't it? It's amazing how many people would go entirely out of their way just to hurt someone. I just don't get it. And I thought I was evil. Of course, I do have a devious mind. *shrug*

Somehow in this crazy world, life is really just like a movie. Of course, one would also say that movies are based upon real life, which could be true, but nah. :)

Most people think that things always happen to other people. You know, things like unsolved mysteries. Somehow the reality of those situations never really hit you until it does happen to you. I mean total unsolved mysteries. Sure, there's probably an explanation for all of it. But somehow you just never get to know what it is do you? And many times, you never find out. That's the sad part. Sure, you'll go on with your life, you'll get married, have kids, etc etc. But you never found out what really happened. It's sad, I suppose. You want to know the whole story, the whole scoop. But you never find out.

But you know, then there are those instances when you find out what did happen, and wish you had never heard anything at all. You find out things that you never wanted or needed to know. Things thats eat deep into your soul and crush it.

Sad things happen to many people. You just never think that it's going to be you.

Watched Singles yesterday. Love that movie. I saw it at Best Buy on DVD for real cheap, had to get it. So many scenes I forgot about. The blue shirt, the dating video ("Debbie Country" LOL!!), and many more. :) God I love that movie. Had to make the pic of the moment the Robert Doisneau picture of Kiss by the Hotel de Ville. Anyone who's been over to my place has seen the poster I have of it I'm sure. I LOVE that movie. lol

It's a Madonna day. Definitely Madonna. Definitely.

Happy days!

Off Tangent...
What makes sense in this world? Is there anything that makes sense? Why must people lie? Do lies comfort them? Are they easier to to believe than the truth? Why can't people just be honest with each other. Lay the cards down on the table and say, "here's what i've got, take it or leave it." Why must people think that there are no nice people in the world? Why do people have a hard time trusting? Not everyone is bad. Not everyone has a hidden agenda. Not everyone wants everything. Sometimes just being close is good. Sometimes just knowing that that one person will always be there is good. Knowing that even though it's been 10 years, you can still go back and it would be just like yesterday. I don't exact revenge. I don't ask for retribution. I don't have malice. All I have is what I give, take it or leave it, it's up to you. I don't have a hidden agenda. There are no hidden meanings in my words. I don't lie. What purpose would lying have? It would most likely be found out later that I was. Then what? Make up another lie? Where does it end? Sometimes you have to accept someone for just what they are. There are no games, no tricks, no angles. Just me. That's all. Choose to believe me, or don't. I don't control anyone's life. I never have, never will. People must think I am the most naive idiot in the world. That's ok. I know what I know, and that's fine with me. I don't choose the way things happen. They just do. I have to have faith. I have to have belief. I just wish that people would have faith in me. Faith that I could be there to help them through the hard times when they need me. Faith that I will always have an open door for them when they need a place to stay. Faith that I will always give them food to eat. Faith that I will give them money when they need it the most. But I will never contribute to the lies that they would say. I would never encourage a life of illusion, or deceit. Sometimes I think that there are very few of us who are honest left. I don't do drugs, I don't drink, I don't even gamble. Yet I'm the bad one. I'm the one to blame when there's something wrong. I'm the one who has been in error. And because of friendship, because of love, I will accept that. But don't ever think that I am naive enough to believe that it's true. No. I only believe because of friendship. Because of love. I believe, because I choose us.

Never give up! Never Surrender!

Sometimes, some people just don't want to be found. At least that's what I think. But then, sometimes, people just end up missing. And you never find them again until years later. And wish you had found them long before anything ever happened. Hard times. Definitely some hard times.

People really test me, I know it. Ugh... This sucks!